Lindsay and Emma are playing quietly in the living room.
You are taking advantage of the lovely peace and quiet to get some housework done and make a few phone calls. It's heavenly.
The next afternoon the two of them are squabbling loudly and calling you to referee their disputes. You spend most of the afternoon moving between your chores and running to settle yet another argument between these two children.
When our kids are misbehaving we spend a lot of time and energy trying to change their unruly behavior.
But, when they are behaving themselves we tend to use the time to catch up on the many chores we have on our to-do list.
However, it's more effective to actually pay attention to and notice positive behaviour. Now you don't want to interrupt their quiet play but you can comment afterwards on what a pleasure it was to get your chores done while they played so quietly. When you hear their game coming to an end you could invite them to join you in the kitchen for milk and cookies.
Kids want our attention and will tend to behave in ways that get us engaged. If we only pay attention when they are misbehaving then that's the behaviour we will get.
Noticing the positive can also change a child's attitude. Nine-year-old Jeremy is supposed to pick up the toys in the living room before bedtime. Every evening he griped and complained while gathering the toys and putting them away. His Mom was at her wit's end. It's not a big job, he made the mess and it's important that he take responsibility for the cleanup. So he would gripe and she would explain why he needed to do it and let him know that he needed an attitude adjustment. Nothing worked.
Then one day she decided to switch gears. After the toys were finally all collected she stood and looked at the now tidy living room and said, "Thank you Jeremy. It is terrific to see the room so tidy."
The next evening he was a little faster at the chore and complained less. She noticed what a great job he was doing organizing all the toy trucks and thanked him. By the third evening he was doing the job without any griping and Mom was calmer and friendlier.
There are times when our kids need our attention but we just can't give it right then.
One day a colleague and I were in a meeting. Her child-care arrangements had fallen through so she had brought her five-yearold son along with her. She mentioned that on the way to our meeting she and her son and had gone to the park so he could burn off some energy before he was asked to play quietly. She brought a range of quiet play toys and he was busy for some time but then came up to her, wanting to ask a question. He stood right beside her. She continued with our conversation but reached over and put her arm around his shoulders. As soon as she had finished the point she was making she excused herself and turned and paid attention to her son. She handled it all beautifully.
Once he had been looked after he went back to his play and we continued the meeting. We also conducted our business as efficiently as possible so he wouldn't have to play on his own for an unreasonable amount of time.
This story demonstrates how to acknowledge a child's need for attention even when you can't respond right away. But it also shows how to set up a situation that facilitates positive behavior on the part of a child.
If the mom had not brought along some appropriate toys for her son, she would have been setting him up for failure. He shouldn't be expected to sit quietly doing nothing while she is in a meeting. And of course, taking him to the park so he could run around before being asked to play quietly was setting him up for success. When we notice good behaviour and encourage it, we have happier and generally well-behaved children, and nothing's better than that.
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