There was a time when parents wanted to know whether they should read their children's diaries or go through their backpacks.
The answer was a resounding no. While parents saw that activity as a way of knowing what was going on with their kids, kids saw it as a lack of trust. And let's face it, when kids know we are checking up on them they will simply become sneakier. Today the issue is monitoring their activities online. One product, TeenSafe, provides parents the ability to see the text messages and social media activity being sent and received by their children to ensure they are not suffering from the constant harassment of cyberbullies. The tool is designed to allow parents to see their kids' text messages, location, web browsing history, contacts and call logs.
We know that increasingly most teens have a smartphone and that the increase of smartphone use by children has dramatically increased the frequency of bullying and more importantly, cyberbullying.
The motivation for parents to buy this product is positive. The advertising material suggests that the information they receive by monitoring all communication can help open lines of communication between parent and child.
My guess is that it would do just the opposite. I can imagine the discussion.
Parents and child sit at the dinner table and Mom says, "I saw on your smartphone that you are being bullied by one of your classmates. I'd like us to talk about it and help you to handle the situation."
To the surprise of her parents, 15-year-old Olivia is furious.
"You spied on me! Don't you trust me? I don't ever want to speak to you again!" Olivia jumps up from the table and races down the hall to her bedroom where she slams the door, throws herself on the bed and bursts into tears.
You can count on the fact that Olivia will not be making any future communications on that phone.
The problem is that kids are not telling their parents about the bullying. This is not much different from the past but the challenge for victims today is that they can't get away from the bully. In the past, home was a safe place, but cyberbullying follows you wherever you go.
Cyberbullying can lead to low self-esteem, sleep problems, depression and suicide.
So parents need to be aware of the issue and they need to be talking to their kids. But when the discussion comes about as a result of spying on your child's private communications, the teen is not open to any discussion. They are angry, they feel betrayed and they are embarrassed. So parents need to introduce the topic of cyberbullying. Ask them about it and let them tell you what they know.
Ask them to let you know if they ever have a problem because you would like to help. Explain that you know it can be embarrassing but you also know that it's hard to handle alone. When you give your kids the lead and respect their privacy you will find you'll have more fruitful conversations.
If you notice a change in their behaviour, you need to talk to them. "Olivia, I notice that you seem really down in the dumps and tired. Is there something going on I should know about?" She is likely to say that everything is OK and you can respond by saying, "OK, I know you think it's all OK but I am worried. Please let me know when you're ready to talk. And if you'd prefer to talk to someone else, I will arrange that as well."
The more we open the lines of communication with our kids, the more we will hear.
Respect their privacy, watch their behaviours and trust them and you will find they will come to you when they need help or advice.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
