HAVE you ever watched a group of children developing a game?
They may be in the park with a ball and trying to determine what they want to do. Or they may be in the family room with Lego and trucks and blocks and figuring out how to build a town.
It doesn't matter what they are going to play, the point is that they plan. They will determine the rules. It's a rare group of kids who will just get started willy-nilly. They want to know what's happening.
They need and like rules. Rules give them a sense of boundaries and expectations. With rules they all know what is happening and this give them a sense of control.
These same kids want to have rules at home. Whether it's in the playground, the schoolroom or the family room, rules are important.
It's a good idea to plan your rules. When you simply invent a rule as situations arise this doesn't give kids a sense of security; it's more likely to lead to confusion.
They, and you, are never clear on the expectations. So sit down and plan your rules. What do you expect from your children? Then share this list (which should not be too long) with your kids.
Make rules that you can and will enforce. There is one certain rule about rules and that is, kids will break them. Then you need to be ready to respond.
For example, you may have a rule that no one in the house is ever permitted to physically hurt another. So if eight-year-old Jared hits his six-year-old sister there needs to be consequences. It would be logical to have him be alone until he can be trusted to be with his sister without hurting her, and then he needs to apologize.
Rules should be clear and simple. For example, it's a good idea to simply say that no one is permitted to hurt another person. If you make a list that includes no hitting, hairpulling, pushing, kicking or shoving there will be a loophole that kids can find. So Jared may pinch his sister and point out that it's not on the list.
Determine the consequences for breaking a rule ahead of time. Make sure that the consequence is fair and is logically related to the misbehaviour. For example, if you have the rule that your kids need to follow the rules of the road on their bikes and you see your youngster go through a stop sign without stopping, a logical consequence is that he loses his bike privileges for a day.
But if he throws a tantrum at the mall, it makes no sense to take away his bike. In that case you need to go home immediately. If you need to take the time to return to your shopping, you won't have the time to play a game with him.
The trick is to be clear that rules do matter to kids. They have very little control over their lives and rules are one thing that gives them a sense of stability.
When my daughter was 15, she played in a marching band. She developed a group of close friends in the band and they liked to take part in activities together on the weekend. When they determined what they wanted to do on a given day, she would talk to us and we would work out our expectations of how she would get to the activity and what time she would come home.
It was only much later, when she was in her 20s that I learned that the whole group went along with our rules for her.
As she explained to me, many of her friends' parents did not set rules but the teens actually wanted to know where they stood. So they decided that the rules we set made sense and were fair. Little did we know that we were inadvertently parenting a whole group of teens.
Whatever their age, kids thrive when they know what is expected of them. And they behave better if they know there will be fair and consistent consequences for breaking the rules.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at www.parentingtoday.ca.
