Has this ever happened to you? You are with close friends and do something silly. This first thought that pops into your mind is: "I'm never going to live this down."
I was a university student and had just prepared a spaghetti dinner for my boyfriend. It was the first time I had ever cooked for him and it all turned out wonderfully.
I put the pasta on the plate, ladled the sauce on top and sprinkled it all with cheese. I was so excited and pleased and anxious to serve the meal. I quickly moved the plate toward the table and then it happened. The plate moved just fine but the pasta stayed in place. It was suspended for a split second (which felt like and eternity) before it hit the floor with a splat.
And there are times when, 46 years later (yes, we did get married and have had many spaghetti dinners which have made it from stove to table with no problem), I still get teased about that meal.
Teasing is a fun thing that adults and children do with friends. But sometimes we overreact and can't determine the differences between teasing and bullying.Your daughter, Ella, comes home from school and says that some of her friends have been ribbing her. She seems fine but you wonder if you should be concerned.
The first consideration is whether there is a power imbalance between the kids. If Ella is equally comfortable teasing her friends then it is teasing. So listen to her stories. Are they two-sided? Teasing is not intended to harm anyone, it's all in fun, but taunting or bullying is intended to harm the victim.
Teasing maintains the basic dignity of the person and pokes fun in a lighthearted way. So, if we have company for dinner and I serve spaghetti with meat sauce my husband, John, might tell the dropped spaghetti story. It would be clear that it was funny, that the look on my face as it fell was worth the accident and that this doesn't mean I am and have continued to be a lousy or clumsy cook. I am just thankful that this happened before smartphones. Imagine that astonished look on my face immortalized for all time. If I were being humiliated or demeaned in the story it would be taunting. But, as it is, it's simply a funny story.
Laughter is the result of teasing and both parties are laughing. It's simply a funny incident in the course of the day. Teasing is only a small part of any relationship. If Ella is being teased constantly, that can be a problem and should be addressed.
Generally though, with children, it's simply a case of overexcitement on the part of the teaser. The kids are having fun; the teaser is enjoying her ability to be witty and clever and doesn't pay attention to the fact that enough is enough. But when it's pointed out she will apologize and the kids will get back to their regular activities. So, if you hear from your child that she is tired of being teased help her practice with words to tell her friend to ease up.
Good-natured ribbing about a close friend's foibles can be fun and a positive part of the relationship. Topics such as race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, physical attributes and mental ability are all off limits with teasing.
Kids do need to learn how to handle legitimate teasing and how to laugh at their own mistakes and foibles.
The next time you have an experience which leads to you to think, "I'm never going to live this down," start thinking about some smart remark you can make to respond to any teasing. But also know that your friends are teasing because it's likely an unusual event. I have never again moved a plate full of pasta faster than the food would allow. But I do laugh when I remember the one time the meal ended up on the floor.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Difference, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
