I live in a highrise and one day I was in the elevator with a mom and her 10-year-old son. The boy asked if he could travel from the lobby to their suite on his own. His mom was clear: no, that was not going to happen. He might be grabbed.
Who, I wondered, in the enclosed confines of our building is going to abduct one of our boys?
I was floored. In our building, she worried that her child couldn’t travel the elevator. My goodness.
Our building has a lovely backyard. There are trees and grass and it is quite private. It is also empty. Our children are not out there running around, throwing Frisbees and balls, playing hide and seek.
I imagine that boy in the elevator, like all too many kids, is supervised every moment of every day. And his mom does it because she wants to be a good mother. I get it, but she is not doing him any favours.
He is not learning how to look after himself, how to problem-solve, or how to complete an action independently. He is also being denied the chance to learn from his failures, to feel successful, to build self-esteem and to see himself as someone who can cope.
Not only should this boy be able to move freely throughout our building, he is old enough to travel on foot, to cross streets safely, to run errands in the neighbourhood or go from our building to his school. He simply needs to be taught the route.
We are creating an atmosphere of paranoia. We are afraid to do our job as parents, which is to allow our kids to grow up, to become independent.
How is a child who can’t ride an elevator in a safe building where he lives going to become a teen who can head out and get a part-time job or become a young adult who goes off for post-secondary training or go downtown for a job in his chosen field?
Teaching our kids how to negotiate the minefield that is life is our job. And it is a process. When they are babies it’s easy. We allow them to work through the method of learning how to walk. We have to let them fall down, get up and try again. And over time they become kids who are nimble and running through the house.
We need to use this model throughout their lives so that they learn how to learn, how to move forward, how to slowly become independent adults.
It’s not only a case of letting them go places as they become ready. It’s also a case of letting them do for themselves what they can do even when it takes longer and is frustrating for them and us.
So, standing back while our preschooler dresses herself, having her take her dishes to the kitchen, or expecting her to pick up after herself are all parts of this journey to adulthood.
Another area of over-involvement with our kids is school. As I mentioned, kids need to learn how to get themselves to school. Ideally, other kids in the neighbourhood will be walking with them.
They should own their homework. That not only includes the actual work but also planning the time to do the job. When we sit them down, watch every step of the job and ensure that they have it right we are teaching them to be directed, not to take responsibility for their own learning.
Our job is to provide a space, help them do the planning, be available when they have questions. But, it’s not our homework, it’s theirs. We already passed grade 5, 8 and 12. Now it’s their turn.
Let’s let 2017 be the year when we all start understanding that letting go is part of the job of parenting. It’s tough but necessary work.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who’s In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I’d Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
