What sort of parent are you? Helicopter, bubblewrap, tiger, dolphin or boss? These are only a few of the designations being placed on parents these days and not only that, tiger, dolphin and boss parents are the subjects of current parenting books.
In the interest of full disclosure, I have written three parenting books and none of them uses a metaphor to describe parenting. My focus is simply on helping parents develop the skills and understanding to allow them to raise capable young men and women. Period.
The Tiger Mom is the recent book that has received the most notice. Based on the book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, it is the story of one Chinese mom and her two daughters and her experiences.
She says that the children of tiger moms are not allowed to:
- attend sleepovers
- have play dates
- be in a school play
- complain about not being in a school play
- watch TV or play computer games
- choose their own extracurricular activities
- get any grade less than an A
- not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
- play any instrument other than the piano or violin
- and must play the piano or violin
And that, I would guess, is as far as most people got in the book. She believed that being a tiger mom would be best for her children. She not only followed the above rules, she was actively involved in every aspect of the kids' lives and pushed them to be the very best. And they were the very best.
And it worked until her second daughter rebelled and refused to play by the rules.
This book is really about a mom learning how to listen to her children and support them in their passions.
But let's face it, it also put the term tiger mom on the map.
And that led to the book The Dolphin Way: A Parent's Guide to Raising Healthy, Happy, and Motivated Kids - Without Turning Into a Tiger by Shimi K. Kang, M.D. Kang uses her experience as a mom as well as her profession as a psychiatrist in this book.
In simple terms, this book is all about maintaining a healthy balance in your life and the lives of your children. She uses the metaphor of the dolphin throughout and presents a healthy parenting style.
She acknowledges that there is a lot of pressure on parents to push children to succeed. She points out, for example, that Baby Einstein videos were touted as essential for babies. The irony is that they may have done more harm than good. One study that she mentions shows that infants who watched the videos learned seven fewer words a day than those who did not watch the videos. She notes that parents are tending to over-schedule their children, over-protect them and pushing them to win.
But dolphins are balanced in their lives and activities.
Because of this, dolphin parenting can take parents off the hook for being too busy and too involved. Everyone wins.
And then there is the corporate model. What if we looked to the workplace to model raising our children? Kathy Buckworth did just that with the book I Am So The Boss Of You: An 8-Step Guide to Giving Your Family the "Business." It was an interesting take but I found the book to have an underlying nastiness. She mentions, more than once, that she unfortunately can't fire her kids. I think she sees that as humour. I didn't.
The point is that we don't need metaphors. We need to raise our children to become capable young men and women.
As Dr. Kang says throughout The Dolphin Way, it's all about balance.
In my view, when we have a parenting plan that makes sense and when we give our children unconditional love, live in a mutually respectful environment and encourage our kids, we will all be healthier and happier.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. Sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
