On Christmas Day I spent the afternoon playing Monster Truck with my grandson.
He showed me how the game worked and then an-nounced that because it was his game, it would be his rules.
About every 10 or 15 minutes he would adjust the rules. The rules were just as important as the actual game.
I actually appreciated this because I knew what he needed from me to make it a good play experience. And isn’t that what Grandmothers like to do?
Kids like rules. They like to know what is expected, what is going to happen, what the other players (in this case, me) are supposed to do and how it all fits together.
We know that and yet at home we often find that setting limits, making family rules is challenging. And it can be even more difficult to stick to the rules or have a reasonable discussion about why it’s time to change a standing rule.
Kids thrive when they know the adults are in charge and that they can anticipate what the expectations are as they go through their day.
I like to use the analogy of a house. First there is a sound foundation. This is composed of our unconditional love for our kids. The relationship we have with our children is immutable and the basis for all our interactions with them.
Then there are the outside walls and these are the non-negotiable rules like respect for each other, good manners and, as they get older, things like never getting into a car if the driver has been drinking.
The walls between the rooms, however, can be moved.
These represent the changes we make as our children grow and mature. A one year old is limited to playing in a childproofed and safe space, a four year old has run of the house but can’t jump on the couch, while a 14 year old has a key to the front door and can come and go within certain time limits.
Sometimes just wanting our children to be happy gets in the way of setting reasonable limits. At 18 months old, Justin is a happy little boy and his parents want him to remain happy at all times. He loves chocolate so they give him chocolate milk and allow him to munch on chocolate bars as an afternoon snack. They know this is not good for him, but they want him to be happy.
Letting our kids engage in behavior that is dangerous or unhealthy is not responsible parenting. We need to know that our kids will not always be happy. That is a fact of life but we must set rules and limits that will make them healthy and secure. In the long run those limits will lead to happiness.
Kids who do not know what the rules are cannot relax.
If the rules change according to the mood of the parent, they are always on edge. Every time they try something new they need to wonder whether this time they will be hugged or yelled at. But if the rules are clear they will try new things but will have a pretty good idea what to expect based on past experience.
Children do push at the limits; that is typical behaviour. It can be tiresome to remind them about the rules. It can be tough to stick to our principles.
The good news is that the clearer we are about our expectations, the less likely they are to try to see what they can get away with. When we are consistent they realize it’s a waste of time to aggravate us.
It is also important that we be prepared to expand the rules when our children get older. Our baby or toddler has no say in her bedtime, but a school-age child will want to have some input and a teenager may be ready to set her own bedtime.
When there are family rules they should only adjust according to the situation and the age of the child.
When those rules are consistently respected the kids feel more secure. Things also become easier for parents because you know how you’re going to react and your child is less likely to argue because you behaved exactly how he expected you would.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and the author of Vive la Différence, Who’s In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I’d Ever Have to Leave Home. If you’re interested in reading more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
