Communicating with teens would be a lot easier if they were willing to talk. Last week we covered listening to teens, today we're going to take a look at the other side of the coin.
There are times when for any number of reasons we want to check in with our kids and find out what's happening in their lives. But all too often our opening question is met with a onesyllable response. You know that Drew was nervous about a test in history today and you want to know how it went.
"How was school today?" "OK."
This monosyllabic response can feel like a shutdown and you will be inclined to stop there. But carry on.
"I know you had that history test today. How did it go?" "Oh, I was better prepared than I thought so it went well."
"Good for you. That's great."
In order for this conversation to take place it was important to first be aware of what's going on in Drew's life and know that he not only had this test but also was nervous about it. You may have learned this when you went in to say goodnight and he told you he had been studying for the upcoming exam.
Talking is necessary when a point needs to be made and discussed. The trick here is to be clear, "You were an hour late last night, can you tell me what happened?" It may be that there was a good reason but if not, after listening you will need to tell him what the consequence for his behaviour will be. We close the lines of communication when we slip into lecture mode. He knows he stepped over the line. So simply be calm and clear on the consequence. He likely already knows what that will be. Then move forward. It's over.
Talking is also necessary when teens fail to carry out their responsibilities. Jessica knows it's her job to empty the dishwasher and put away all the dishes but the dishwasher is still full. So it's time to remind her that she needs to do the job. Putting a time limit helps. You can say that you will need to put dishes in while you cook dinner so it needs to be done before 5:30 p.m. The trick here is to walk the fine line between reminding and nagging. Nagging is an irritant (and not just for teens) while reminding is accepted as being fair. The difference between the two is mainly tone of voice and the frequency with which the reminder is delivered.
One effective way to avoid nagging is to use humour. The teen may groan at your bad joke but she will acknowledge that these lovely clean dishes deserve a place in the cupboard.
There are also serious conversations we need to have with our kids. We need to talk to them about sex, drinking and driving, racism and bullying, among other things. If possible, have the conversation in conjunction with a local news story or a book they are reading. When we settle down to have one of these talks, first ask them what they know and believe and listen to their comments. That way you can ensure that you are giving them the correct information they need. If they have some incorrect beliefs don't be critical, just point out that some people believe that's what the truth of the matter is, then give them the real facts. If they ask a question for which you do not have an answer, be honest and do the research. When you're talking to your teens remember that they are no longer little kids. Speak to them more as equals. Give reasons for decisions and explain why you're covering the current topic of conversation. Teens have reasoning abilities more developed than young kids and can understand more complex ideas. They also want to understand why, which is why we need to give them the reasons for our decisions.
When we respect our teens enough to listen to them, give them clear information, and make time for our conversations, we will be living with young people who are a joy to have around the house.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert, professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
