“… parents are the biggest problem in youth sports.”
This comment comes from Mike Matheny, a Little League coach. He wrote a letter to parents in which he promised to challenge the boys on the field and asked the parents to help by being a silent and constant source of support. According to an article in the Vancouver Sun the letter went viral and became the basis for a book.
We have all heard stories about parents overreacting in the stands. There have been instances of parents being banned and special rules being created for parents. The Calgary Minor Hockey Association has created an online orientation program that at least one parent of every player must take every four years. Besides expected behavior it includes information on such items as concussions and long term hockey development and how to stand up to parents who are misbehaving. Other associations are also offering training for parents.
It is appalling that this is needed.
So, what is our role as parents? And what about when we are carrying the double role of parent and coach?
Let’s take a quick look at the second scenario first. The trick is to separate out the two roles. One parent I know told his son that when they arrived at the field he was now the coach but as soon as they got in the car to go home he was Dad. That was helpful to them both, they knew the parameters. Then it was important for the Dad to remember the role and not try to coach his son when they got home.
During the time a parent is coaching he needs to treat all the kids equally and it’s helpful if the child calls his parent coach when they are on the field or in the locker room. (the young players may not be able to handle this).
While it seems sensible that a parent should be encouraging their child from the stands by calling out, “I know you can do it,” that can backfire. Kids want to please their parents so these behaviours can put unintended pressure on the player. If he misses, he may feel he let his parent down or let the team down. Cheer but cheer for the whole team. Or ask them what they want from you.
It’s a good idea to play at home with the kids but only when you both want to and only as a game. If your child asks for some advice feel free to give it but don’t turn every play session into a lesson. Have fun. When you’re having fun and just playing the action can become instinctual because the repetition is happening without any pressure.
Listen to your kids. If they decide they don’t want to play baseball, hockey or soccer that’s their choice and you need to respect it. No matter how well they are doing in the sport, if they are not enjoying it, they won’t continue with it. The point is to have fun.
I have had the opportunity to speak to elite athletes and they are clear that kids who are elite in sport are simply different. It’s not about being pushed by their parents. They push themselves. If your child is going to be one of the very few kids who will become either an Olympic champion or a professional athlete, they will put pressure on you to help them do what they need to do to succeed.
But, they are extremely rare. The overwhelming majority of kids are simply playing a game.
If your kids are in a team sport they are learning all kinds of life lessons. They are learning to be a team player. They learn that they must do their piece of the work and let the other kids do their bit. When the team members all work together they are more likely to become successful.
They learn how to follow the rules and how to listen to the coach. They will be learning new skills, (catching or kicking a ball, stickhandling or being in the right position).
Team sports are fun, educational and exciting. Relax and enjoy and let your child have a good time.
Remember, it’s only a game.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who’s In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I’d Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
