The most powerful and respectful child discipline skill is creating a situation which will prevent the problem, or what we see as a problem.
When we are dealing with a challenge with our kids we look to ways to end it and end it now. And that is all about us.
But what about our child? What message is he trying to give us?
Often when our kids are behaving in ways that bother us, they are not actively trying to drive us crazy; they are giving us a message that something about their life simply isn't working and they don't have the language and life experience to let us know what's going wrong. So they behave in ways that feel to us like they're trying to drive us crazy. Our job is to look at the world through their eyes and see what we can do to make changes to prevent the problem.
When Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird, died I saw a quote from the book: "You can't really get to know a person until you get in their shoes and walk around in them."
When we're dealing with an ongoing behaviour with our kids, we need to look at the world through their eyes.
Three-year-old Jack has usually gone to bed quite nicely but lately it's a struggle. He's in and out of bed, keeping his brother awake and driving his folks nuts. His parents took a look at the world through his eyes. He was taking long naps every afternoon and it occurred to them that this might be the source of the problem.
So, much as it seemed strange to waken a child, they shortened his naps considerably. They found that the short nap was enough for him to enjoy the rest of his day and at bedtime he was then going to bed and right to sleep. Problem solved by looking at the world through his eyes.
When Celia's children come home from school they make a total mess of the back entry. They drop their backpacks, dump their coats and kick off their boots. It's a mess.
So Celia decided to try and figure out why they wouldn't put everything away no matter how often she reminded them. She knew that when they were at school they hung up their coats, placed their boots neatly on the floor and kept their backpacks with them so they could use their school supplies.
Then she figured it out. The school was set up to make it easy for kids to maintain some order. She talked to the kids about what would make it easier for them to put all their stuff away neatly. Then, based on their advice, she installed some coat hooks down low enough for the kids to reach easily and provided plastic bins for mitts and scarves. They had hooks for both coats and backpacks and suddenly the problem simply disappeared.
Early morning chaos is another time when prevention is possible. It might require getting up earlier and giving the kids the time they need to get ready. Or it might involve preparing lunches and breakfast in the evening and packing the backpacks and leaving them by the door ready to go in the morning.
Every family has different issues but the important part of the process is to look at the world through the eyes of your child. You can often make some simple changes which will make life run more smoothly in your home.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. Sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
