Consistency. We talk about it a lot. We must be consistent. That’s hard enough to do on your own, but what about when Mom and Dad don’t always agree on what to do?
It is very rare for parents to have absolute agreement on child raising practices. That being said, it’s certainly easier on both the adults and the children when everyone can agree on the basic, bottom-line rules in the family.
Take a parenting course or workshop together. This will give you an opportunity to meet with other parents and a trained parenting educator. An objective look at normal child development in a supportive environment will help you determine what parenting practices you want to develop. It’ll also help you develop a parenting plan based on solid child-raising principles.
Kids are also comfortable with the fact that each of their parents has a slightly different take on some issues. The problem comes when they use that to cause conflict.
Try to agree as much as possible and in the areas in which you are in conflict develop a plan for how to handle it so the kids don’t get caught in the middle.
He says ok, she says no.
It’s easy to talk about being consistent when raising children but not always so easy to do, particularly when you’re doing it as a couple.
But no matter how closely Mom and Dad agree on child raising, there will be areas of disagreement.
Be honest about it. If you truly disagree be clear and up front with each other. Decide how to handle your differences and if you just can’t, try counselling.
I recommend that if two parents disagree on how to handle a given situation, the one who started with it finishes and the other stays uninvolved.
Discussions concerning disagreements about parenting should be handled away from the children.
Kids are also comfortable with the fact that each of their parents has a slightly different take on some issues. The problem comes when they can use that to cause conflict between you.
Another problem to watch for is overcompensating. For example, if you feel your partner is too protective you might become way too loose.
Respect each other, work together and you and your children will all benefit.
Most parents realize that kids have a built-in radar system which will let them know when their parents, for whatever reason, can be manipulated to get what
they want.
You just told Andrea that she couldn’t go to play at Julie’s place until she’s finished sorting the laundry. But here she is blithely heading out the door. When you confront her, she says: “Dad said I could go.”
Of course, Dad didn’t know she still had chores to do.
How do you avoid having your kids play one of you off against the other? Andrea goes to Dad and asks to go to Julie’s house. He answers, “Let me check with your Mother.”
Whoops, busted.
Andrea mutters, “Don’t bother,” and heads off to finish sorting the laundry.
When parents work together, when they agree upon the major rules and expectations and check with each other, the kids won’t even try to play one against the other because it’s a waste of time.
Work together and life will be calmer and fairer for both parents and children.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who’s In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I’d Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
