"When I am angry at my son I have a difficult time staying calm and speaking in a quiet voice."
A lot of parents struggle with this and my response is, why would you be quiet? When you calmly and quietly say to your child, "It makes me so angry when you. . ." it simply confuses them. If you are so angry, why do you look so serene? You don't need to scream, to use sarcasm or put-downs or in any way physically hurt your child, but my goodness let him know how you feel. Let your whole body speak. Say what you're feeling in a clear and concise manner. Your child should know what you're feeling by your actions and your voice.
Tell your son exactly what you are feeling. If you are angry, say so. If you're frustrated or disappointed, tell him that and tell him why you are so upset. "Today I went to have a shower and there were wet towels and face cloths lying on the floor. I believe each of us should hang up our towels after a shower and leave the room neat and tidy for the next person." And leave your comment at that. It is not necessary to name call, "You're such a slob." Let him know exactly what is bothering you.
Don't use this time to bring up every messy thing he's done for the past month. Don't add that he forgot to take out the garbage the last two weeks. Just deal with the issue currently at hand.
Let him know what you want from him. "From now on, I want you to hang up your wet towels after your shower. If they are ready for the laundry, put them in the hamper and replace them with clean towels.
There is a line between being reasonable and cool when dealing with our kids and letting them know what we're feeling. So be honest but respectful and let him know how he can do his part to resolve the problem.
When we ignore what's bugging us, it's likely we will eventually reach our personal tipping point and really blow up. Our poor child will be totally confused. After all, he's been dropping his towels on the floor his whole life and suddenly (from his perspective) right out of the blue you start screaming. He can't possibly know it's been a problem for you if you have never spoken up. After all, the towels on the floor don't bother him.
After you have stated your concern, listen to your child. She may have a reasonable perspective. She may believe, based on your past behaviour, that it's your job to pick up the towels. So now she needs to know that the situation has changed and you need her to take responsibility for her own mess.
If you have usually said nothing and just allowed the anger to smolder, it's going to be a challenge for you to state your problem and will be confusing for your son to hear you. So, if things are getting nasty between you, take a break.
"We're both too angry to continue this discussion right now. I'm going to have a cup of tea and we'll talk after dinner."
When you decide to take a break to calm down, set a time to return to the discussion. Otherwise, you will both simply avoid finishing this important conversation.
Refuse to take abuse from your child and make sure you don't become nasty with him. It's important that you not become verbally, physically or emotionally abusive with your child and don't let them treat you in an abusive fashion.
The challenge is to be honest and clear when describing our feelings without getting nasty. Let our kids know what we need from them. They don't automatically know what they can do to resolve the problem because what is bothering us may not bother them at all. Honour our feelings and theirs and resolving family conflict will become comfortable and successful.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. Sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
