"She never tells me anything."
That's a common concern for parents of teens. It seems that they hit puberty and simply clam up.
"They never listen." Teens on the other hand will say that their parents never listen and just don't understand what's going on in their lives.
Ironically, teens do want to talk to their parents, they actually know that their friends are not always a source of wisdom and they need the advice their parents can offer.
The challenge for parents is knowing that when communicating with teens, listening is much more important than talking. The life of a teenager is complex and often confusing and the teen simply needs to vent and we, their parents, need to stay quiet and listen.
So how can we encourage teens by listening? We need to make time available. This can be by having family dinners when we foster good conversation that includes our kids. Driving kids places is a great time to listen. Teens will often talk in the car because they don't need to make eye contact and they know exactly when the conversation will end.
Doing chores with teens also works as a great time to listen.
You need to really listen and let your child know by your body language that you are paying attention. If you have your smartphone in your hand or are looking at the clock they know you're really not there for them. If you're really busy, say so and arrange a time to talk and it should be sooner than later.
As you listen try to be neutral and just listen, in other words no judging. If you're making faces or rolling your eyes or clearly keen to jump in and criticize, your teen will shut down and you'll never know what's going on. Try not to show any emotion including anger, disappointment or laughter. Listen to the whole story and then comment.
Let's say 16-year-old Kenley is telling you about how her friend Sam got drunk at a party last night. Now, I know you want to jump in but hear her out. When she's finished ask her what she thought about what happened. And, again listen. You can certainly ask whether there is usually alcohol at parties and whether the host's parents were present. This is also a good time to let her know that if she's ever in a situation in which the person to drive her home has been drinking she can call you for a ride home, no questions asked.
The life of teens is more separate from our life than ever before. But it's important to find out what's going on in their lives. Visit the school and know who their teachers are, ask them about what music they like and why.
As you listen to your teen it is likely that you will be thinking that despite all the changes in the world, being a teen today is not that different from when you were her age. You immediately recall a story of something that happened to you which is relevant to your teen's situation. Stay quiet. If you start a sentence with, "When I was a your age...." you will likely hear a groan, get the classic eye roll or a glassy-eyed stare which means she has tuned you out. No matter how relevant your story, this is her story and she doesn't want to hear your anecdote from the past.
If you're told something in confidence, keep it to yourself. If you know that you will tell your spouse, let your teen know up front. You can say something like. "When it comes to parenting, your dad and I are a team so I will talk to him but not to anyone else."
Of course, listening is not the whole picture when it comes to communicating with our teens and next week we'll talk about talking.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. Sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
