Tattling is something that drives most parents crazy.
And in the summer when the kids are spending more time playing it can be a bigger challenge.
Andrea and her friends are playing happily in the family room. You can hear the voices of the three eight-year-olds as they hold a tea party with themselves and all their dolls and stuffed toys. They are clearly having a great time.
But suddenly Andrea’s friend Ashley comes running into the kitchen. “Andrea and Justine aren’t playing fair,” she announces.
You look up and you can tell this is another case of Ashley tattling on the other kids. Ashley has a look of righteous indignation. “You need to come and tell them to behave!” she announces.
This is a clear case of tattling. Handling tattling is frustrating. The tattler is convinced that she is in the right and that it’s important that you come and deal with the misbehaving kids. You can almost see her rubbing her hands with glee as she considers that her friends are going to be in trouble.
Or, Andrea and her friends are playing happily in the family room. You can hear the voices of the three eight-year-olds as they hold a tea party with themselves and all their dolls and stuffed toys. They are clearly having a great time.
But then, Andrea’s friend Ashley comes running into the kitchen. “Justine dropped a glass onto the floor and there is glass everywhere.” This is clearly not a case of tattling, she is telling. Her demeanor is one of concern and fright. She knows this is serious and someone could be hurt.
And that’s the difference between tattling and telling.
When a child wants to get other kids in trouble, she is tattling, when she sees that someone is in trouble and needs protection or is going to wreck someone else’s property, that is telling.
You can usually tell the difference by the attitude of the child. The tattler has her halo glowing with righteous indignation. The teller is clearly frightened and needs help.
That being said, how do you deal with a child who tattles?
First, consider why they do it. Some consider it their responsibility to save the world from all wrongs and need to have an adult to help deal with the offender, and some want to be labelled the good kid.
The best way to handle a tattler is to refuse to engage. If this is the first time she has tattled just let her know that she is tattling and you don’t want to deal with that.
Don’t give her eye contact, just keep on doing whatever you were doing. You can ignore her or just say, “ummm.” Or you can say, “I bet you kids can work it out together.”
If you can hear that the problem is accelerating, go to the family room and summarize the situation without any blame. Make a subtle suggestion or two and then let them work it out. For example, “I see that there are three girls here with three dolls and three stuffed toys. I know you guys can figure out how to make this work.”
When you have a group of kids over to play and you know that one is a tattler try to nip the problem in the bud. At the point at which you realize she may come to you with a report, go in with a treat or game suggestion.
If you are having an ongoing problem with a specific child who loves to tattle there are some steps you can take. Make sure you are paying attention to her when she’s not tattling.
Get her involved in a project where she can be successful and feel good about herself. Teach her, and the group she plays with how to problem solve. Have them think about a problem and discuss options. What could they do it? How could they handle it differently?
Once Ashley no longer feels the need to tattle she will be a happier child and you will enjoy having her in your home.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who’s In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I’d Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
