Parents are all so busy that finding time to spend with the kids can be a real challenge.
So in the 1980s the concept of quality time emerged. It stated that you could spend very limited time with the kids as long as the time was of high quality. There were articles describing ways to make 20 minutes with your child a valuable and memorable time.
A 15-year-old reading an article I wrote on the topic said, "It sounds to me like an excuse to spend hardly any time with your kids and not feel guilty."
Right on. Fortunately this concept has died a quiet death. But we are still concerned with finding time to spend with the kids. They need our time. They need boring time, quiet time, working together time, being in the same room engaged in different activities time, physical care time, discipline time, discussion time, story time. They need us. They need to know that we will give them the time they need as much as we possibly can.
Quality time was a crock.
Being there when they need us is responsible parenting. This doesn't mean we need to be with them physically at all times. Obviously you can't always be with them. But you can let them know that you're thinking of them. Dual-income families or employed single parents can stay in touch by phone or texting. Some parents have told me that they plan their coffee break to match the time their kids get home from school so they can touch base. Many employed parents make sure that the receptionist knows who their children are and that they are to be informed if the kids call. If at all possible, try to arrange to leave work early to watch important sporting events or school concerts. In these ways we let children know that when they need us, we'll be there.
The main issue is that kids need to know that if they need us, we will be there. I am a "daddy's girl" and had a father who travelled extensively with his job so he was away a lot. And yet, when I think back, I never felt he wasn't there for me. I knew that no matter where he was I was on his mind and if I needed him he would figure out how to be there for me.
He also made sure that we had a getting together ritual when he was home. He often came home late on Saturday nights. Sunday he would head off to church for the late Mass. I had already attended in the early morning. But, at around 12:45 p.m. I would head off to the church to meet him when he was ready to head home. We would walk together and chat. It was my time with him and I could count on it.
So, we had this special time, when he was walking home anyway so he didn't need to add or find time in his busy schedule and it lasted 15 or 20 minutes.
You can easily find time for kids if you add them into your existing activities. Kids love to work with their folks. Even little ones can help out with chores if you get creative. When you are doing the laundry get your child to pair socks, or put underwear in drawers. The beauty is that you are getting your chores done, teaching your child how to do the work and have a perfect time to chat.
As kids get older you can involve them in bigger projects like painting the fence or weeding the garden.
The problem with the idea of quality time was that it didn't recognize that kids just want to be with their parents from time to time and they love being included in whatever is happening.
It's actually easy to find time to be with your kids if you simply involve them in your activities.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. Sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
