You wake up in the morning and wander into the kitchen. The house is so quiet, you feel lost.
Your child has been away for a month. She’s gone to study out of town and you won’t see her until Christmas. You look at the calendar and it seems that her December visit is centuries away.
It’s difficult letting our kids go, but that’s the job of parenting. Letting go, preparing our children to be independent and capable is a process that starts with the first breath they take. They take their first breath, they take their first step, and they head off to pre-school and kindergarten. Each of these milestones becomes more challenging for we parents because in each case they seem to be moving further away from us. The point is that they are becoming more independent and it’s a development worth celebrating. But, for many parents, it feels more like a loss than a celebration.
And this step, them moving away for post-secondary training or education, is the hardest because we won’t see them for months.
So, what can we do to make this transition easier?
Remember all the times you have thought, ‘Oh, I wish I had a break from this incessant parenting.’ Well this is it; you made it. You did a great job raising this child, now you get to relax.
If you find yourself sitting around wondering what to do with this new-found time, get a life. Take up a hobby or join a club. You can participate without worrying about driving your child to his activities. Get tickets to local theatre productions, dance, ballet or the symphony. You can attend all these or plan a weekend away without worrying about whether the kids will be home on time. Imagine, guilt-free fun!
Set up a regular time to talk to your kids on Skype, with texts or by phone. Rather than leaving and receiving unanswered messages, a scheduled time makes staying in touch a certainty. It also can prevent you from contacting them constantly. They need to get on with their own life and if they are attached to you by a cyber cord they will not find it as easy to move forward.
If they contact you often, don’t respond right away. And when you do, send encouraging notes letting them know that they can handle their new reality.
Send (by actual mail!) a fun and helpful gift basket. My kids liked to get some favourite (but light weight) foods they said they couldn’t find where they were or couldn’t afford and some toilet paper and toiletries, which they suddenly discover, cost money. Things like socks and underwear are also appreciated. Kids suddenly on a budget are shocked that these things don’t just magically appear.
Plan some great Christmas activities for when they are home. What are the holiday rituals that really matter to the kids? If you’re not sure, ask them. Now that the kids have to schedule their visit around mid-term exam schedules and travel it’s likely that some activities will be dropped, some added and some adjusted.
For example, when my kids were little we had a regular Christmas shopping activity. We all went downtown together on a Saturday morning. Each parent took one child to buy their gift for the other parent and then we switched places. After our shopping, which included lots of giggling and working hard to hide their purchases, we all went out for lunch. It was great but clearly not going to work any longer. However, your young adult child might enjoy a special dinner out at a favourite restaurant.
When making your plans, remember she will also want to see her friends. So include her in any planning.
If you haven’t already given your child a good basic cookbook this is the time to do so. And be prepared to spend some time in the kitchen with your child who will now have questions about cooking. Your child is likely to also have some requests for special meals, particularly ones she can’t afford.
If you have a healthy relationship with your kids you are not losing them any more than your parents lost you. The relationship is changing but face it, the relationship changed slightly when they went off to school and for the first time you didn’t know the details of their day. It’s similar to when they became teens and more of their lives were separate from yours.
And heavens, today with technology you may hear from them more than you did when they were in high school. In fact, you may need to ratchet down your responses to their questions to give them a chance to figure out how to live on their own.
Your job was to raise your child to become a capable young adult and you have succeeded. Pat yourself on the back and enjoy your relationship with the independent young adult your child has become.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author. Sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
