Children need to learn the consequences of their behaviours. We have all heard this expression, and likely agree with it, but lately I have seen some strange and bizarre interpretations of what it means. If you go to the dictionary you will find that a consequence is the result of what has gone before.
Child discipline is about teaching, guiding and training. When we discipline children we are teaching them the difference between right and wrong. We're helping them to learn about the consequences of their actions.
Let's take a look at this. First we need to acknowledge that all behaviours, positive and negative, have consequences. So consequences are not a bad thing, they are actually neutral. Every action has a reaction.
When we wed the consequences of our decisions with child discipline we come up with a process in which our kids learn that they don't function in a vacuum. How they choose to behave has a result and that result is not random, it is connected.
Now, the question on most parents' minds concerns how to make this happen when our kids misbehave. This is a serious and important discussion.
Lately I have seen some examples of "fun consequences" and "creative discipline" that range from silly to punitive.
The other day on Facebook I saw an article from Women's Own. It showed a note that a parent wrote to her child. The message to the child was that the Mom had taken her child's video game controller hostage until the child completed certain tasks. They included such chores as cleaning her room, putting away her clothes, having a shower and washing her hair. In each case, the mother added a snarky comment about doing the job to her standards, putting the clothes where they belong, not where the daughter feels like shoving them, and so on.
I'm not sure what Mom is going to do next time her child needs to take a shower or do the chores, but this tactic is just plain silly and the negative comments are simply uncalled for.
Imagine if Mom and child had sat down and worked out the chores that needed doing, when and how they should happen and what the consequence of not doing the work would be. And it easily makes sense that she can't play with her video game until the work is done.
But this silly, juvenile letter to the daughter has little to do with child discipline and consequences.
Another story involves a barber in Snellville, Ga., who will give your child an embarrassing hair cut. It's called the Benjamin Button Special and gives the child an old man look. He cuts the hair with a bald spot on top and low cut on the sides. The child will carry this cut until it grows back and is likely to become a victim of bullying or at least some serious teasing at school.
I received a newsletter with the title How to Make Discipline Fun and Bonding. The author, parenting coach Lisa Bunnage, suggested that discipline should be fun. She says, "I used to looooooove disciplining my kids as I would usually get a back massage, makeover, manicure or whatever. I always gave them an option though, e.g., 'You can either have no TV tonight or give me a 30-minute spa treatment. Your choice.'" Her style was to simply create a list of punishments which the specific child would not enjoy and which had no connection to the actual misbehavior. There were two sides to her approach. When she does something wrong she has to take the kids someplace that they love and she hates.
So what are kids learning from these unique and bizarre techniques? The makeover/spa treatment is so strange it's hard to discuss. In this case the focus is on the parent and her idea of fun and not on teaching the child. It simply makes no sense.
Shaming kids does not teach them about their behaviours. They may decide not to misbehave again but their motivation comes from humiliation, embarrassment and likely a feeling of worthlessness.
In these examples, they do not learn how to change their behaviour, why their actions were inappropriate and there is no move to direct accountability. When we set our child up to be humiliated, particularly in public and possibly internationally if the tactic is put online, the relationship between parent and child can be irreversibly injured.
Our job is to help our kids learn to be thoughtful about their choices. When we guide them to learning about the consequences of their behaviours they will learn to think before they act and grow up to be responsible and thoughtful young men and women.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author. Sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
