The holiday celebrations bring together your friends, colleagues and family and often that includes all the children.
If you have house guests over the holidays suddenly you realize that not everyone celebrates as you do. Whether it's what time to eat, how you decorate the tree or when you open gifts, the issues can become dicey and uncomfortable. It's about lifestyle and how you want to live on a daily basis.
Today, you have made a number of lifestyle choices without even realizing it. Lifestyle includes much more that recreational activities or clothing. Every day we decide how to handle housework, mealtime, and scheduling. You may be one who insists that the beds are made every morning before you leave home. Or you might leave the bed as is.
We look forward to certain rituals and when we're faced with others who have different and possibly contradictory rituals, it can be uncomfortable. It can also be confusing. With holidays your reaction to a different routine will likely start with, "but we always..." But it's a great opportunity to take a look at your lifestyle and actually define it. It's a good idea to talk to your partner and decide what rituals and activities will be part of your regular family life.
If someone were to ask me about my values I could probably come up with a few obvious choices like loyalty and respect, but when I get into a conversation about how I live and the choices I make it becomes more challenging. So many of my decisions are automatic that I don't even notice that I have made a lifestyle choice.
There are no right or wrong answers. It's about the lifestyle you have chosen for your family.
Religion is an important one. How were you raised and how do you want to raise your child? Do you want to have your child baptized and attend church regularly or not?
Mealtime is something that is often discussed but it's usually about kids misbehaving or picky eaters. But you also want to take a look at whether you want to eat more formally, or generally casual. What about fast food - how often and what kind? Is a daily dessert necessary? Do you say grace? And what table manners do you want to pass on to your kids?
In our home the dinner was always eaten in the dining room with placemats and proper place settings. That's what we enjoy and it worked for us. Other families mostly eat off their laps in front of the TV because that works for them.
As we've mentioned, celebrations can be a lightning rod for exposing lifestyle issues. What holidays do you celebrate and how? Are birthdays important to you?
We have found that we also adjust and change our holiday celebrations as the situation changes. Today, our kids live in their own homes with their children. We join the kids and members of both their extended families for the afternoon and dinner. It's a lovely time. Then everyone comes to our place on Boxing Day. Once our children had other family members to consider and then their children came along we had to sit down as a group and redefine the plan. Because we talked about it no one is upset and we enjoy ourselves immensely.
The question of toys can be challenging if you, for example, do not want your children to play with war toys and they receive a toy gun from a family member. When buying toys for kids it's a good idea to consult the parents to find out what their interests are and what they really, really want (that Santa is not going to bring).
Is your extended family part of your community? How much do you want to include them in your life? Have you talked to the extended family members about your lifestyle choices so they know what you expect?
On a personal note, as a grandparent I believe that I should follow the lead of the parents. I am not one who will spoil the grandkids just because I can. When the grandkids are getting similar messages from all family members it reinforces the beliefs their parents are working to instill. That's not to say that there won't be differences but the basics will stay the same. In other words, no it's not my job to spoil the kids.
Living in a way that is clear, deliberate and knowing what choices you want to make and why makes life run more smoothly. When that happens everyone will be calmer and happier.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
