A number of years ago a child development expert strongly suggested that it was people like me who were causing problems for parents.
This message was delivered at a professional development event in front of my peers and again on a television interview program.
The point was that if parents were attached to their children, they would not need hints and tips on what to do when their children are misbehaving. They would instinctively know. In other words, if your child throws a tantrum at the mall and you do not instinctively know how to respond, it says you are not properly connected to your child.
In her recent book, The Conscious Parent, Shefali Tsabary suggests that we see parenting our children as a way to raise our own consciousness. She believes that the information needed to raise a child is found within the parent-child relationship. “For this reason,” she says, “parenting is learned not through reading books that offer quick fixes or taking classes that specialize in techniques. The conscious approach embodies values that emanate from the relationship.”
There is certainly important value in understanding the importance of being attached to and connected to your child. There is certainly important value in being consciously aware of what we are feeling and learning as we raise our children.
But I cannot simply hang up my shingle and go away. I do not believe these concepts need to be separated and can’t understand why these professionals believe it is an either/or situation.
If I believe that good nutrition is essential to health and I have a history of eating that doesn’t mean that I can simply walk into a store, buy some food and know what to do with it. I will read books, take courses and learn how to prepare a nutritious meal.
I find it frustrating and demeaning that professionals taking a different look at child-raising do not include or consider the traditional books and courses that have been helping and supporting parents for the past decades.
Parenting speakers respect the concepts of attachment and consciousness. We may use slightly different language but we know that parents need to understand the importance of attachment, of the connection between themselves and their children. And we certainly understand that nothing teaches us more about ourselves than raising our children.
So where is the line? How do we work together to support, educate and inform parents?
I believe it is a question of respect. Those of us who are running courses, delivering keynotes and workshops and writing books, newsletters and blogs about child-raising are offering an excellent service to parents and more particularly to children who need quality parenting.
In The Conscious Parent the author suggests that “traditionally the relationship between parent and child has been hierarchical and linear: the parent issues rules and orders like a military general, and children either obey or find themselves punished.” She suggests that the relationship between parent and child is paramount, not specific techniques.
I would suggest first that certainly in any material I have written about discipline I have discussed the difference between discipline and punishment and that punishment is not an effective way to raise children.
I would also suggest that knowing some respectful techniques for healthy child-raising actually frees parents to focus on the relationship and to be conscious about what is motivating both them and their kids.
I would finally suggest, and it is obvious from the title of my first book, Who’s in Charge Anyway?, that I would not want to suggest that parents who take charge of their responsibility to raise their children are acting like military generals. But they do understand that as the adult in the relationship, they have the task of raising the children.
I appreciate that all parenting authors would agree that it is never appropriate to just let kids figure it out on their own or do whatever they wish or want.
I am simply suggesting that adding tips, techniques and concepts into the mix is a positive and enriching move.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who’s In Charge Anyway?, But Nobody Told Me I’d Ever Have to Leave Home and Vive la Différence. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
