Diana's children, Jennifer and Kevin, are playing in the living room.
They are both pre-schoolers and are having a good time. Then Kevin grabs a toy from Jennifer and suddenly her voice changes. She is whining. "Mooooom, Kevin took my toy away. Make him give it back." Diana knows she shouldn't capitulate to the whiny voice, but it is very difficult to ignore. Whining, that high-pitched repetitive sound, drives most of us to distraction and causes us to respond. Let's face it; if she asked Mom to help her explain to Kevin that it's not nice to grab toys, it would be simple for Diana to engage the two kids in the problem. But when she's whining, she just wants to do whatever it takes to stop the noise.
Whining is a typical child behaviour. Whether or not it continues depends on your response. It is particularly common among three-year-olds. Some parents of threes say that it seems that their child has lost her real voice and simply whines all day long.
It would be easy to decide that if whining is typical pre-schooler behaviour all you need to do is stick it out until it passes. Unfortunately, that rarely works. Just think of an adult you know who stills drives you crazy with her incessant whining! So, while you can relax and know there is nothing wrong with your child, she's typical, you still have to teach her that this in just not the way to communicate.
Kids learn by paying attention. I know, it seems that they simply ignore most of what you do and say, but in reality they are extremely alert. If you want proof, watch their play, particularly when they play house. You will see and hear yourself in ways you never expected.
So, if you come home from a lousy day at the office and promptly start whining about your day, know that your kids are learning their tone of voice from you. Try to listen to yourself and practise talking about your bad day in a civil manner.
A very effective way to treat whining is to prevent it. Make sure she's getting enough sleep and meals and snacks at regular intervals. Kids do not handle being hungry or tired with any grace or dignity. Whining is most often the result. If they are hungry or tired, ignore their tone of voice and deal with the problem by offering a snack or settling them down for a nap. He may also simply be bored. Whining may be a signal that he's ready for pre-school, for some new challenges and responsibilities, or visits from friends.
When you can't prevent the whining you can model appropriate language and tone of voice. Simply say, "Jennifer, tell Kevin that it's your turn with the toy and you want it back." If she continues to whine simply leave the room saying "I just can't listen to that whiny voice."
When whining has become a regular habit, have a chat with her and explain that you are just not going to listen to that annoying voice any more. So tell her that when she whines, you will not pay attention but when her voice goes back to normal you would be thrilled to talk to her. Resist the temptation to remind her repeatedly that you are not going to respond to whining. By reminding her, you are responding and she is getting the attention she wants.
If whining stops working for her, she will soon drop the habit.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
