What can I do when my son throws a tantrum in the mall? How can I get my daughter to eat her vegetables? Why won't my children behave?
Whenever we talk about child discipline the focus invariably comes around to particular child misbehaviours and how to change them. But today I want to focus on how to prevent many of these annoying behaviours. Much of what drives us crazy is not actually a case of our child breaking the rules. It is often an immature response to the world our child inhabits. Our kids grow and change and if we are not adjusting our expectations and limits for these kids, they will end up misbehaving simply because their living environment no longer works for them.
There are four ways we can make changes to improve their behaviour and our responses, which will make life more peaceful in the long term. As our kids mature they need more independence and a slight loosening of the existing limits. For example, you are trying to fold the laundry and three-year-old Cassandra is just driving you nuts. She won't stay out of your way. It feels like misbehaviour but it is likely her way of saying she's now old enough to help and doesn't want to be left out of the work. Get her folding socks or putting underwear in drawers and suddenly the problem is solved. She needed you to add more responsibility to her life.
Eight-year-old Olivia has a terrible time settling down at bedtime. Up until recently she has gone to bed quite easily but now it's a real struggle. Consider the possibility that she is simply not tired. She is a bit older and needs less sleep. Make her bedtime a half-hour later and voila, problem solved.
On the other hand, there are times when rather than adding something to their environment we need to pull back and remove some conditions. The majority of children have difficulty settling down to sleep immediately after watching television. The sounds and images are still playing in their minds. This is even more common when kids have been playing any electronic games. So if we want these children to settle down it's important to turn off all the screens, games, Internet and TV for a period of time before they settle for the night. This is a good time for a bedtime snack and story. Then they will be ready to settle down and sleep.
Casey and Jonah are five and seven years old and they just can't seem to understand that when you finish playing with toys, you then need to put them away. They walk into the playroom and just stand there paralyzed. It could be that the mess is overwhelming and they can't figure out where to start.
Some changes can solve this problem. First, take a look at the number of toys and consider culling them out. Go through the toys and find the ones they have out-grown and, if they are still in good condition, donate them to the food bank or a local women's shelter.
Then make some changes and redesign the area. Toy boxes can be a real problem because kids just dump them out in order to get to one particular toy. So, I strongly recommend shelves. The kids can view the toys and make a choice.
Lots of small containers also work well. If each category of toy is in one container, then the kids can figure out how to find the toy they want and, more importantly, how to put it away. Take a look at any daycare, preschool or elementary school classroom and you will likely see shelves, cubbyholes and containers.
Finally, it's important to do some planning. Don't plan on running four errands on the way home from daycare if your kids are hungry. Hungry kids are not patient or kind. They will misbehave. Plan errands for times when the kids are rested and fed and life will improve immensely.
Once you put your mind to thinking about how to prevent irksome behaviours you will be amazed at how creative and effective you will be.
So, you may need to add to the child's environment, remove or restrict some activities, make some strategic changes and/or do some planning.
This approach is always worth considering because it is so often successful.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
