"I understand what you are saying, but my spouse just isn't going to agree."
If I had a nickel for every time a participant in one of my workshops said this to me, as the old saying goes, I would be an extremely rich woman.
Parenting as a team is easier and more effective than operating at cross-purposes.
Whether the adults are their biological parents or stepparents, if they can work together it will make their job easier and the big winners will be the children.
Even when you are a single parent it is still a good idea to work to co-ordinate your parenting with the children's other parent so no matter whose home they are in, the rules are pretty consistent.
In my book Who's In Charge Anyway? I talk about a camping trip I took with my husband when I was five months pregnant with our first child.
We spent hours talking about how we had each been raised. We focused on what we liked about our upbringing. This led to us starting to make a plan about how we would raise our children.
It's important to talk about how you were parented because that will be your automatic fall-back position when you are stressed. And when you are raising kids, there will be stress. In other words, you will be surprised when you hear your parent's words come out of your mouth.
Learn about typical child development. Unless you have been around many children, you may not be aware of what is to be expected from a two-year-old. It's easy to get confused about your child's behavior when you just aren't fully tuned in to his developmental level. If you expect a four-year-old to be gracious and patient you will be in for a big disappointment. But if you organize her life so that your expectations are consistent with her age and abilities, you will be much happier. And when both parents are paying attention to the growth and development of their children they can support each other in making parenting decisions that will work.
There are many ways to learn about child-raising. Talk to each other about how you want to approach this education. Do you prefer online newsletters, print books, e-books, parenting groups, workshops in the workplace or TV programs? As much as possible participate in the learning together so you can discuss your parenting plans based on what you're discovering.
I recently wrote about family rituals and their important role for children.
Knowing that rituals matter is the first step. The second is talking about them. Based on your background, you may simply assume that birthdays are celebrated in a certain manner and when your partner handles it differently you may be confused, frustrated or angry. A simple conversation about your expectations can divert arguments when things don't go the way you expected.
You should also have ongoing conversations about your expectations of how you will share the parenting duties. I always remember when my kids were preschoolers and in our parent participation preschool we were discussing what time our monthly administrative meetings should start. A number of parents were interested in beginning earlier than we had in the past but one mom insisted that just couldn't work because her husband arrived home from work just before she would have to leave and she needed to feed him. (And yes, she said she needed to feed him. What an image!)
When we asked her if she had asked him whether he would be willing to serve himself his dinner she was shocked. It had never occurred to her to speak to him about this. Maybe, just maybe, he would be happy to help out in this way. But without a conversation, they would never find out.
It's really all about communication. Parenting is important. Talk to each other.
It's important for you and essential for the kids.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at www.parentingtoday.ca.
