Parents in my groups often talk about the struggle to agree on how to raise the kids. It's not always easy to be on the same page. Each parent is the product of the parenting styles of their own parents, and when we are dealing with kids we tend to fall back on what we know best, which is our own childhood.
And yet, we all know that the easiest way to handle this challenging job called parenting is for Mom and Dad to agree on how you are going to raise the children. But it is sometimes easier said than done.
In my book, Who's In Charge Anyway? I talk about a process you can use at any point along the parenting journey.
My husband John and I were camping on the beach on the west coast of Vancouver Island. Each afternoon the fog would arrive and we would sit in this grey world, listening to waves, which we could not see as they lapped on the shore. And we talked.
I was five months pregnant with our first child and we were looking forward to the birth of this baby with excitement and nervousness. Our conversation was about this new adventure in our lives. We didn't talk about nursery furniture or diapers. We talked about our goals and wishes. We talked about what we wanted for this child when she was 18.
We talked about our childhoods in ways we hadn't before. What had our parents done with us that we liked? What were our favourite memories? Story followed story. Memories of holidays, birthdays, family dinners, summer trips and playing in the lane behind the house (him) and in the bush behind the house (me). Sitting in front of our tent in this private, mystical world created by the fog, we made promises to each other and to ourselves about how we wanted to raise our children.
In retrospect, this was probably the most important parenting job we did. It set the scene for the next 20 years as we raised our daughter and then our son. In the hurlyburly of child-raising, the task of setting goals can get lost. The total focus becomes diapers and sleep deprivation, playing at the park, getting ready for school and soccer practice. The doing of childraising takes over and fills our days. It can be hard to see beyond the next bedtime, let alone the next 20 years.
But goal-setting makes it so much easier to make decisions as you go along on this childraising road. How, you can ask yourself, will this decision, consequence, conversation, help your child reach the goals you've set?
Besides setting goals what can you do to make working together easier?
Don't argue about discipline, particularly in front of the kids. Work together to develop rules, determine limits and set expectations. If you are not together on this the kids will quickly learn how to play one of you against the other. When you do disagree, work that out as well. In this case, one rule I recommend is that whenever one parent has started a discipline process, that parent finishes it in his or her way. The other parent maintains a respectful silence.
Communicate. It sounds so cliché to say this, but we can get so busy with work and kids that we forget to talk. And when you do talk to each other, also listen respectfully to the other point of view. The more you can work out any parenting situation, the more you can be collaborative in your parenting. And this will be easier. When you know what the other is likely to say or do you won't be second-guessing each other. And the kids will soon learn that whatever one says the other will agree.
Read books, articles, ezines and attend workshops or courses together. If you are learning new approaches or gaining helpful tips it is so much easier when you can learn together and then work together to incorporate any new information into your parenting.
Parenting together is a wonderful experience. You will watch your children thrive and grow and your relationship will also thrive and grow. It's a definite win-win.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at www.parentingtoday.ca.
