A vice-principal takes two boys aside.
One has been bullying the other. The boys are asked to shake and make up. The bully quickly smiles and offers his hand. The administrator is pleased. The victim will not play the game. He knows it's all a sham and will change nothing in his situation. The bullying will continue. And, in this case, the bullying he received is augmented by the bullying behavior of the viceprincipal. The bully is allowed to go on his way but the victim is lectured about how disappointed the principal is in his behavior.
This is a scene from the documentary film Bully. I was alternately frustrated and angry at the inability of the administration in this film to handle bullying in the schools. We tell children to talk to a trusted adult, a parent, teacher or principal when they are being bullied. But the adults were at a loss.
I have learned about one model for handling bullying in the schools, which is restorative justice, a philosophy that is based on a set of values and principles and not one particular model or program.
Practitioners and educators find it helpful to refer back to a set of criteria in order to gauge whether the way they are addressing the conflict is in line with the philosophical basis of restorative processes.
You are working toward restorative discipline in schools when you:
- focus primarily on relationships and secondarily on rules;
- give voice to the person(s) harmed;
- engage in collaborative problem-solving;
- enhance responsibility;
- empower change and growth;
- model peaceful communication skills, and
- plan for restoration.
The beauty of this model is that it acknowledges that different kids and different situations require different solutions but there are basic values and beliefs underlying the process. It is personalized, unlike zero tolerance which can easily be too stringent for the situation and doesn't give the bully or the bullied an opportunity to fix the problem.
In her book, The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander, Barbara Coloroso writes about the 3 Rs in handling the issue. They are repentance, which will come throughout the process, resolution in which the bully figures out a way to keep the incident from recurring, and reconciliation, which is the process of healing with the person who was harmed. This approach is almost identical to the process of restorative justice.
So what happens? It starts with a respectful conversation.
A restorative discussion is a conversation between an adult and a student, when the student has caused some harm.
The intention is to:
- enable the student to understand what happened;
- increase their understanding about the effect it had on others;
- discuss what they need to do to put things right;
- support them to determine what strategies they could adopt to avoid a similar incident happening in the future, and
- hear the needs of the person harmed.
According to the material I received about restorative justice, it is the student who comes up with the answers, supported by the adult. This conversation is contrasted with punishment, the intention of which is more to do with authority, control and deterrence, and normally involves the adult telling the student what they have done wrong as well as what's going to happen as a result.
The focus is for the adult to listen first and ask questions next. The challenge is to ask open-ended questions that support conversation and to listen with empathy. No one has all the answers but when adults listen with empathy, often the kids themselves will work out a solution. These conversations are informal and happen at any time in response to the everyday low-level incidents in school. The following is an example of the types of questions that could be asked:
- What has happened?
- What were you thinking and feeling at the time?
- What have you been thinking and feeling since?
- Who else has been affected? How?
- What needs to happen to put things right?
- What could you do differently in the future?
In situations where there has been harm caused to another student, the adult will also want to have a restorative discussion with that student to hear how the incident impacted them and determine what may help to repair the harm caused. A restorative discussion may also be used in preparation for a mini-conference.
The following is an example of the types of questions that could be asked to the person who was harmed:
- What has happened?
- How did this make you feel?
- What impact has this had on you?
- What needs to happen to put things right?
For this to work it is essential that the school welcomes the process.
According to Coloroso the school must have an environment characterized by warmth, positive interest and involvement from adults, firm limits, consistent application of disciplinary sanctions when limits are violated and an authoritative rather than authoritarian adult-child model.
We need answers to bullying. Kids are being hurt. Restorative justice is an existing model we can use in our schools to protect our kids and involve all of them in a process that is caring and nurturing.
Talk to your administrators, open discussion at your parent committee meeting. You can make this happen to provide your children and all children a safe and caring environment.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at www.parentingtoday.ca.
