It's a beautiful summer day and the kids are out playing in the backyard.
It would be idyllic if you weren't constantly bombarded by the quarrelling and squabbling that goes on between the children. Why can't they get along? Here it is a lovely day and they have the luxury of being outside playing and all they do is squabble. The question I hear most often is "Why?" "Why does it seem that all kids argue with their brothers and sisters?" Children do things because they work. Infants cry because that brings them the food, clean diapers, cuddling or the security they need. As infants become older they will also cry to receive attention.
So, when considering
children fighting, understand that children fight because it works, it gets them something that they want. Our job is to figure out what they are getting and help them find more appropriate ways to fill these needs.
Attention The major cause of sibling squabbles is to gain attention. Kids have
learned that one of the quickest ways to involve parents is to start a fight. And they are right.
When children fight parents arrive in full steam and find themselves playing the roles of judge, jury and executioner and do it in a fashion that is often amusing to the children involved. When parents arrive on the scene, their presence and involvement will often result in an acceleration of the action. If a fight accelerates when you arrive, if the children call you for support, if a fight follows you, you can be pretty sure it is for your attention. If you teach your children that you will not become involved, that you trust in their ability to solve their own problems, that you will not give them attention for fighting, it will reduce and maybe
even disappear.
But it's important to first make sure that you teach the kids how to solve their problems. If, for example, there is an ongoing dispute, help them develop a plan. Sit them down at a quiet time and let them know that you notice that they are fighting every day about computer use. You want them to come up with a solution. Let them generate most of the ideas and don't dismiss their thoughts. Instead, when they come up with a plan look at them and say, "How would that work?" If it's an idea that really has no legs, they'll figure it out.
Power The second most popular cause of fighting is for power. In this case, the children have a stake in winning and this can be between children or
parent and child. If you are involved you will find you feel a need to win ("No kid of mine.. ."). You are in a power struggle. The only way to handle this is to disengage and try again another way.
Another common strategy between children is tattling. The child is using the parent to win. He will say to the other kids, "I'm going to tell on you and you're going to get it." If you refuse to engage, this behavior will stop. There is no point tattling if no one listens.
Unmet needs This is the easiest to handle because it is predictable. Simply put, when kids are hungry, tired or bored they are more likely to fight. So the trick is to plan around these challenging times so that your kids will be able to function well and not get into squabbling just to pass the time.
***In summary, most fights have one of three causes: Attention: Stay out of their fights. Determine which behaviours will merit your attention and which you will ignore. Power: Ignore tattling, don't compare children and set reasonable standards.
Unmet needs: Prepare ahead of time so you can prevent these fights before they even start.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
