We are very excited when our little one begins to talk.
He says "Mama" and we beam, particularly if he's actually looking at Mom when he says it.
We find it unbearably cute when he holds up his arm and opens and closes his fist, or actually waves his hand, and says, "bye bye," when someone is leaving the house.
But then he starts to say "No." Suddenly it seems that all we hear from him is "No."
I was playing with a 13-month-old the other day. I picked up a toy and shook it. She laughed and took the toy and imitated me. This game went on for some time. It reminded me that kids learn by imitation.
So, when our child is saying no all the time, it is likely because she has heard this multiple times.
Once children are mobile their curiosity kicks in big time and they want to touch, manipulate and taste everything they see. So, we spend the day saying, "No, don't touch. No, that's not a toy." No, no, no. It becomes our mantra.
Find other ways to let her know what she can and cannot touch without saying no.
You can usually simply distract a toddler. So when she moves toward a breakable object, simply and calmly take her hand and redirect her steps to something equally interesting. This isn't usually too difficult as young kids are interested in anything new and particularly in things they are allowed to handle. If she continues toward the forbidden object, say, "That's not a toy, this is a toy. Here, play with this." If she can be careful, you can let her touch the object that has caught her interest, then redirect her.
The more you can baby-proof the play areas in your home, the easier it is. Her curiosity is not only boundless but also important. It is how she learns. So if she can safely move around the living room or playroom and safely handle everything in reach, she will be happier and learn more. And you will be relaxed and not constantly saying no.
Kids don't listen to our complete sentences. They react to the last word. So, when you are out with Devon and say "Don't run," he only hears the word run and reacts accordingly. Instead of telling him what not to do, give him information. What do you need him to do? "When we are in the library, I need you to walk." Now, he knows what's expected of him. When you tell him what he can do, he is more likely to comply.
Cody is playing with his friend while you are having coffee with his mother. When it's time to go home, he asks if he can stay longer. Instead of saying, "No," acknowledge his feelings. "I know it's hard to leave when you are having fun but we need to go home now." You are clear on the decision to leave, but when you recognize his feelings he is more likely to respond positively.
Substitute a no for a yes by explaining the situation.
At 5 p.m. Carla asks for a cookie. Instead of saying, "No, it's almost dinner time and you will ruin your appetite," you can say, "Yes, you can have a cookie for dessert after dinner."
Explaining the reason for a decision not only allows us to avoid saying no, it also helps our child learn about our reasoning. Jason asks you if he can go and visit Grandma and instead of simply saying, "No," you can say, "I need to finish this laundry today because we need the clean clothes. How about we phone Grandma when I finish folding these clothes and arrange a visit for tomorrow?" There will be times when we will need to say no. In times of danger or accident we'll say no and there are occasions when the issues at hand are too complicated for our child to understand, but if we say no sparingly they will listen and know it's important.
Changing no to yes can be a challenge at first, but it will soon become easy and you and your children will benefit.
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway?, But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home and Vive la Différence. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
