If you want to get a quick laugh, make some comment like, “I can handle anything, I have teens.”
Ha, ha. When people ask me, “What’s the matter with teens today?” my answer is likely to be that they’re missing the supervision, direction and stability they need to get on with the task of reaching adulthood. In other words, teens need parenting.
Remember when he was a toddler stating with absolute assurance, “I can do it myself!”
We knew he wanted to do everything for himself, but we also knew he just couldn’t. Our job was to help him to do what he could and create a safe environment while he moved from infancy to preschooler.
Our role is identical with teens. They need a safe environment from which to launch themselves into adulthood. Like their younger selves they can become victims of their own impulses and desire to be independent.
Too many parents stand back and let their teens make their own decisions without the safety net of parental limits and rules.
But it’s also very different from parenting younger children. Younger children need direction and while they should know why we have rules, they are more ready to accept our explanations and behave in a reasonably acceptable fashion.
Teens are ready to have some input into the rules and will want to be consulted and heard. They are ready to negotiate. This doesn’t mean there should be no rules, no bottom line, no clear expectations.
The challenge for us is that we also need to be ready to negotiate. We need to be crystal clear on the bottom line rules about which there is no wiggle room (i.e., never get into a car if the driver has been drinking, it’s never OK to physically hurt another person) and those open for discussion (curfews, allowances and chores).
Once we are clear on where we stand we can engage our teens in a discussion, make joint decisions and watch our teens flourish under a clear and appropriate parenting style.
Parenting teens can be frustrating but also joyous and exhilarating. Give your teens the gift of leadership. Give them the security of knowing they have the support and guidance of their parents.
Think about it. You must avoid demeaning your child who is doing nothing more dramatic than growing up.
Yes, they are nothing like they were when they were younger, but that’s simply normal growth and development. After all, remember when they were little. A two-year-old is different from a two-week-old but we don’t roll our eyes when we talk about our toddlers.
We recognize they need different parenting from us than they did two years ago. We understand they are sometimes easy to parent and sometimes a challenge.
But with teens, we throw up our hands and in doing so we let them down.
Teenagers are our children. They may be big, outspoken and quite independent but they are our children and we are their parents. Teenagers not only need parents and parenting, they need it desperately.
But dealing with teens is different from parenting kids in the early years.Teens behave as if they don’t want or need their parents and too many parents today are buying it.
In the excellent book Hear Me, Hug Me, Trust Me, Dr. G. Scott Wooding points out that “while teens may be more knowledgeable, and often more physically and emotionally tense, their emotional needs and control valves are no different than we their parents at an equivalent age.”
In other words, they’re not so different than we were at their age so think back to your own adolescence.
Over a four-year span Dr. Wooding, a counsellor and teacher in a junior high school, asked students to write down the characteristics of an ideal parent.
He expected to see characteristics such as generous with allowance and slack on rules. But, teens are smarter than that and they know what they need.
Four years of questionnaires came down to 12 suggestions to parents from teens. They want parents to understand their issues, to improve communication, to provide appropriate discipline, to be fair, demonstrate trust, and be respectful.
Teens also want help in developing responsibility, want parents who care and who are honest. A sense of humour, spending time together and being an appropriate role model were also included in their answers.
We can be these parents and help our teens to become independent, strong and resourceful young men and women.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who’s In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I’d Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
