Parenting is challenging. Today many of us turn to our computer for answers and for advice. As a parenting speaker and author, I applaud this decision.
On the other side of the equation are parents who believe that parenting is instinctive, and parents should not need any of these resources.
After all, we were all kids once and just need to remember how we were raised, right?
Like all comments there is some truth in all of this. No one knows a child better than his parents and parents need to look to their understanding of each particular child in order to figure out how to handle a given situation.
On the other hand, knowing a child and his temperament can certainly help guide the parenting choices but if you are unaware of possible options and of typical child development you can be stymied.
As I said in my book, Vive la Différence: Raising Children with Different Temperaments, “Kendra, Blake, Thor, Shayla and Olivia are all students in Mr. Barnes’ Grade 3 classroom. They are definitely each their own person with their own unique temperament.
Kendra can be counted on to hand in every assignment on time; Blake will get his work to the teacher, but it will not conform to the usual guidelines. Thor will hand in a half-hearted attempt and Shayla will offer something that is mediocre at best. Olivia will be late if she actually does the work. This is not a reflection of their ability, but rather of their temperaments.”
While each of these children needs to learn to take responsibility for their own schoolwork, each needs a slightly different approach.
With Kendra you probably have to watch to make sure she doesn’t become a perfectionist and anxious about her performance.
You need to help Blake understand the times when he needs to conform to the expectations no matter what he wishes but there will be other times when his unique take is acceptable.
Thor and Shayla need you to help them work to their potential and not be satisfied with second best. When they show you their half-hearted attempts, don’t be dismissive but you can say, “That’s a good start. Now what are you going to do to improve on it.” And Olivia needs to learn about time management.
An understanding of not only your child’s temperament but also typical child development will help you to develop a parenting style that will work with each individual child.
Along with these, it’s helpful to have a plan. Know what it is that you need to teach your child in a given situation. Then taking into account his temperament you can turn to quality parenting advice and move forward.
If you call a two-year-old to the dinner table before the food is ready, you can expect that he will quickly become restless. He’s two; this behaviour is developmentally appropriate. A 10-year-old, however, can be expected to sit still and wait for a short period of time.
The trick is to balance what you know about your child and what you learn from your favourite resources.
And speaking of that, pay attention to which books, websites and courses you select to guide you.
Whenever I want to look at a new resource I check out the basics. What do they say about discipline? If there is the slightest mention that any form of physical punishment is ever OK, it’s rejected as a possibility.
If there are examples of tips for parents that are disrespectful to the child, or support for over-protection of children, or any mention that kids need to fear their parents; these are all rejected.
Good parenting resources will give you a basic outline of the job of parenting, good tips and ideas, an understanding of child development and a respect and caring for the child.
There are great discussion groups and blogs and silly, frivolous and just plain useless materials. Look to the credentials of the author.
Trust your gut. You know what is right for you and your child.
When you have quality resources at hand, you have the tools you need to parent with confidence and trust your instincts when it comes to raising your child.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who’s In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I’d Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
