"WERE you a good girl today?"
Listen to parents when they are picking up their children at preschool or daycare and you will invariably hear this comment. Many of the comments we make to our children are not helpful and often harmful. And that isn't our intention.
Take a look at the "good girl" (or boy) question that we so often ask. Think about it.
What did we expect? Why do we have to ask? Wouldn't it be more positive to expect that our child behaved properly and instead just say hello? Let them know that we are pleased to see them.
We also use the same expression when we go out with the kids or drop them off at daycare. We remind them to be good.
Why not just assume that they will behave? When we use the good/bad expression our kids can easily start to believe that we will only love them when they are 'good' and that worries them. What if they make a mistake and are "bad," what if they lose their temper, or forget the rules? Once they are around four years old they know they simply can't measure up all the time. So will we still love them when they are "bad?"
If your children misbehave you will hear about it and can then deal directly with the actual problem. That way your child is learning what is expected of him but also knows that it doesn't make him a bad person, just a person who blew it once.
Our children build an image of themselves based on what we say and do. So if we call our kids stupid, lazy or messy they believe us and are likely to actually act more stupid, lazy or messy because that's how they believe we see them and what we want from them.
A 15-year-old girl was visiting her cousins. She was in the kitchen and her aunt asked her to dry some glasses in the drain board. "Oh no," she replied, "I can't do that. I'm really clumsy and I will break them. I'm not supposed to do the dishes."
Her aunt soon learned that she had been labelled as clumsy and now it hampered her. It took a lot of encouragement to help her learn that she was perfectly capable of handling the glasses and even if she broke one, it was simply an accident and happens to everyone once in awhile.
There are also the cases of parents acting shocked and dismayed when their child does something right. "Wow, you actually remembered to take your dirty dishes to the kitchen. I guess hell really has frozen over!"
It's supposed to be funny but for the child it can be a real put down. A simple acknowledgement, and thank you is a lot more helpful. Then he gets the message that we appreciate his action but are not shocked. We knew all along that he could do it.
Your child comes home from school upset because he had a fight with his friend. And you start interrogating. "What did you do to make him mad?" or on a more positive note, "what did he do to you?"
Either way it's not really effective. When we question our kids right off the bat we force them to answer and we control the dialogue. It's better to simply listen.
"I see you're upset. Do you want to talk about it?" Then keep quiet and listen. No questions or advice. It may be that all he wants to do is rant and then it's over. If he wants advice he will ask or you can simply ask if he'd like to know what you think about it. You should only ask questions to clarify. "So, if I hear you correctly, he took your lunch from you and danced around the lunchroom teasing you. Is that what happened?"
Be positive with your kids and understand that they are actually listening to us. What is it that you want them to hear?
Kathy Lynn is a professional speaker and author of Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at www.parentingtoday.ca.
