When cheerful Christmas music rings out in the mall, a rush of grief washes over mother Cathy Sosnowsky, who hastily finds the nearest exit. 
With one less place setting at the Christmas table, her son’s absence is palpable. Sosnowsky has mustered through each holiday season with a brave smile on her face for almost 25 years.
“Something is missing and it’s supposed to be a season of happiness and joy,” says Sosnowsky.
The West Vancouver mother lost her son a few days after his 17th birthday in 1992. Alex had climbed up a tennis bubble in Whistler late at night with a friend. He stepped on a seam and fell through the roof to his death – two weeks before Christmas.
When December creeps up every year, Sosnowsky mindlessly goes through the motions.
“You don’t want to ruin everyone else’s good time. You put on a false face,” she says softly.
Being around other bereaved parents helps to the ease the pain of grief at Christmas time. The Candle Lighting Ceremony is an annual North Shore tradition for bereaved parents and their relatives and friends, organized by the local chapter of The Compassionate Friends.
Parents arrive at St. Andrew’s United Church clutching framed photos of their children. During the moving ceremony, each parent places a lit candle next to their child’s photo and has the chance to say a few words if they wish.
“I think losing a child is different than losing a parent or a spouse,” says Sosnowsky. “Your children aren’t meant to go before you.”
Being amongst kindred spirits this time of year can help lift spirits in the hearts of the bereaved, says Sosnowsky.
“There is a feeling that you are not alone,” she says. “We understand each other’s pain.”
Cancer, car accidents and other misfortunes have claimed the lives of children being remembered during the candlelit ceremony, but more increasingly it’s drug overdoses sending parents into a spiral of grief.
“When I say children, they can be 10, 23 or 40 years old. They are still our children,” says Sosnowsky.
This year’s bereaved parents’ Candle Lighting Ceremony takes place on Wednesday, Dec. 14, at 7:30 p.m. at St. Andrew’s United Church in North Vancouver. Refreshments and casual conversations will follow the ceremony. Those looking for more information can contact Sosnowsky at 604-770-4570.
Another candlelit ceremony honouring departed loved ones will be held Dec. 1 on the West Vancouver waterfront. The 24th annual Honour a Life celebration sees family members and friends of those who have passed away gather for a non-denominational ceremony.
The event starts at 6 p.m. at West Vancouver United Church, where loved ones write personal messages for the deceased on memorial cards while interacting with their fellow bereaved.
“It can be an emotional experience, but you are with people who understand you,” says event organizer Eleanor Campbell. “I’ve heard people say the next morning they feel lighter about the grief.”
After about an hour, the group will begin its candlelit walk to a memorial tree by the ocean at the foot of 19th Street. Once all the cards are placed around the tree by the bereaved, the fir is lit up in white lights and a song is played.
“It’s just a beautiful evening of remembrance,” says Campbell, who honours her parents and a special brother-in-law every December during the event.
Many families make it an annual tradition to attend Honour a Life in West Vancouver. One regular attendee told Campbell the special ceremony brings his family closer together.
The man had lost his father and every year brings his mother and his own family, who all live in different places, to the event.
“They all come together for the ceremony which is their way of starting the December holiday season,” says Campbell.
Donations can be made to the North Shore Hospice & Palliative Project, a partnership between Lions Gate Hospital Foundation and North Shore Hospice Society, which is putting on the Honour a Life event. More information is available at lghfoundation.com/events/24th-annual-honour-life.
As the anniversary of her son’s death approaches, Sosnowsky, her family and some of Alex’s friends will head to a riverside memorial in Squamish where his remains were scattered.
“He was a kayaker,” says Sosnowsky of her adventurous son.
As they gather by the river, Alex’s loved ones will sing “American Pie,” the Don McLean classic with lengthy lyrics that Alex could warble with ease.
“He was a very joyful kid,” says his mother.
