I can now quite confidently tell you what it feels like to drive drunk: it is terrifying.
This bit of knowledge was provided to me by the good people at Ford Canada, although it wasn’t a bottle of Bordeaux or growler of strong ale that they plied me with, but rather a Drunk Driving Suit meant to mimic impairment.
The suit was developed as an educational tool for young drivers and is used all over the world in awareness programs. Ford developed the suit with scientists from the Meyer-Hentschel Institute in Germany, a company that specializes in mobility impairment research. It is meant to simulate the physical impact of being impaired, and underscores the dangers of driving in this condition, which includes restricted movements, lack of concentration and vision issues.
On a wretched fall day in North Vancouver I ventured out into a torrential downpour to visit Cam Clark Ford to try on the suit in a controlled environment. First came a neck collar to limit my head movement, a bit like the old neck guards I used to wear in pee wee hockey. The ice rink routine continued with the next pieces of equipment, knee and elbow pads that gave me flashbacks to the long lost body checks of my youth. The impairment at this point was minor, a slight buzz as I threw mock cross checks at the head of the North Shore News photographer who came along to document my descent into nonsense. He did not think I was funny.
Next came weights on my ankles and wrists to simulate the sluggishness that alcohol produces in our extremities. Things were getting serious, my balance and movement severely limited by the collective effect of the restraints and weights.
“Whao, things are getting heavy,” I said. No one laughed. Except me, of course.
Finally came the last two knockout blows, the shot and chaser that put me over the edge. First was a set of industrial strength ear muffs, a noise canceling contraption that proved to be very disorienting. It’s one sense that you may not think would be that important for your overall ability to function, but when my hearing went away it was incredibly disorienting.
Researchers have shown that alcohol use can cause temporary hearing loss, and when coupled with the noise of a crowded bar can leave you unable to process the sounds around you.
The drunk suit’s snazziest and most obvious accessory was a fitting final touch, a pair of vision-distorting goggles. As soon as they went on it was game over for me – I was left standing in the middle of a bustling car dealership feeling like a complete idiot, unable to follow conversations or even walk around without a guide.
My host instructed me to walk to a line of tape they had placed on the ground a few metres away from us, and I had taken only a few steps before I slammed into a truck that had been parked there the whole time.
“Watch it, truck!” I said, only half joking. I then navigated the line-walking demo, using all of my concentration to do a half-decent job of keeping myself moving in a straight line. Impressed by my own prowess, I casually slammed into the front desk and started chatting up the receptionist. She was politely non-receptive.
The whole ordeal was undeniably weird. I had my wits about me mostly, but my brain was constantly being tricked by the various constraints, and even when I did think things through correctly my body was having a hard time obeying its instructions.
Enough of this staggering about though – it was time to get behind the wheel. I was guided into the driver’s seat of a car parked beside the dealership. I moved the car about three inches before slamming on the brakes in terror, worried that I was about to send it careening into a row of vintage Mustangs waiting for service. I laughed, I yelled, I cringed. I slammed on the brakes about 45 more times over the next two minutes. Eventually I found myself about 20 feet ahead of my initial position, wallowing in the middle of the entrance to the lot. Oh no, another car is trying to come into the lot, a real person! Oh no, maybe they can’t get by me!! Oh no, they’re somewhere between 12 inches and half a mile away from me and closing in fast!!! Or slow!!!!
I froze, stuck completely still in the driveway until the sober citizen was well past me. Then I put it in reverse, backed up about five inches and called it a day.
It was an eye-opening experience, and it was not fun. I’ve never driven drunk before but I have on the rare occasion enjoyed the odd snifter of brandy in the confines of my own home. I must say this suit does provide a decent approximation of what it’s like to be full of Christmas cheer, and that is what is truly terrifying here: while in this artificially impaired state I did not trust myself to drive more than a few cautious feet at a time.
What I had going for me in this demonstration that real drunk drivers lack is inhibition, the brain function that was self-aware enough to know that there was no way in hell I should be piloting this massive hunk of metal anywhere near other humans.
When you’re drunk, you have all the same impairments without the warning bells going off. It’s not like I wasn’t convinced before, but going through this exercise provided yet more indisputable evidence that you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER drive drunk.
It’s obvious, and it has been for decades, and yet some people still don’t get it: drunk driving is still Canada’s leading criminal cause of death and injury.
The holiday season is here. When you go out, make sure you have a way to get home safe. Take it from the wobbly man in the Drunk Driving Suit: this is no way to drive.
