With time and fatherhood, I have become as meek and mild as a kitten behind the wheel.
Cut me off? No problem, must be in a hurry, go right ahead.
Loitering in the fast lane at 10 klicks under the speed limit? Oh dear, must be a new driver or something. I'll give them plenty of room.
Chattering away on a cellphone while wandering in and out of the lane? Hmm. Blood pressure's rising a bit. Serenity now. Serenity now. Ah, that's better.
However, if somebody tries to pass me on the Capilano on-ramp, I should be entirely within my legal rights to chase them down, pull them from their car and beat them to death with a golf umbrella. Not just that: any policeman happening along should be required by law to assist. Don't just stand there, officer. Taser 'em in the nostril or something.
In the several years since I've moved to this neighbourhood, I've come to the conclusion that the Capilano on-ramp produces some of the worst driving behaviour on the planet. I use this little snippet of road several times a week, but perhaps you don't, so let me describe it to you.
Essentially a horseshoeshaped loop of pavement designed by someone who was a pinball wizard in a former life, the westbound on-ramp takes traffic off Capilano road, zips them around and flings them directly onto the Trans-Canada Highway with no merging lane whatsoever. Not only that, but the tail end of the on-ramp can't be seen from the midpoint. A driver can't spend too long looking up the hill searching for a gap in highway traffic without running the risk of rearending somebody stopped at the end of the on-ramp.
To deal with this, I usually slow down with 50 or so feet to spare when I can see the end of the ramp, leaving myself enough room to get up to highway speed while making sure I'm not going to get a 15-ton Peterbilt enema. Once the way is clear, off I go, slotting into traffic safely.
It's right at this point that some blithering eejit thinks they know better and tries to go around, whereupon they end up stopped at the bottom of the on-ramp with nowhere to go, and no space to get up to speed. And then, you know, golf umbrella blood spurt artery murder court-case.
The basic issue seems to be a problem with understanding how onramps and off-ramps are supposed to be used. Let me illustrate a few ways that I've seen people doing it wrong.
An on-ramp is meant to get traffic quickly up to highway speed so that it can merge safely - most accidents occur where vehicles are travelling at widely varying rates. It is not meant to simply funnel you onto the highway at road speed and then you accelerate. I'm talking to you, beige Corolla.
It's also not appropriate to drive down to the end of the on-ramp and then simply stop. No. Bad. Don't do that. I see it all the time on the Capilano on-ramp.
The flip-side of the problem is that it's also not appropriate to paint your face blue, roll down your window, push the accelerator through the floorboards and hurtle down the on-ramp screaming, "Freeeeeeeeddooooooooom!"
That's extremely dangerous, and kindly stop waving that claymore around.
If you're exiting the freeway, it's important to remember to exit the freeway. By this I mean, you don't change out of the fast lane at the last possible moment, crossing three lanes as if you were trying to escape from an angry Liam Neeson.
These days, they have signs and everything to tell you when it's time to move over and prepare to hit the off-ramp. They're green. Can't miss 'em.
But not so fast, I said "prepare to hit the offramp," and that needs a little clarification as well. The off-ramp is where traffic slows down to street speeds. The offramp. Not 400 feet from the off-ramp, backing up highway traffic for miles. I'm talking to you, silver Honda Civic.
If you're already on the highway, there appear to be two schools of thought for drivers. The first is to pretend that merging traffic doesn't exist, and the second is to notice that it exists and to do everything you can to prevent it from getting in front of you. I would suggest an alternative.
While the left lane is the passing lane, not the slowpoke lane, if you know a tricky on-ramp is coming up, move over to the left.
It's not just about being courteous to your fellow driver, it's driving defensively. Who hasn't heard the ambulance sirens go near the
Capilano on-ramp because somebody misjudged the gap, or was shunted out into traffic by an incautious driver rearending their car? Driving is dangerous. It requires attention, forethought and planning, and we could use a little common decency out there as well. And, if not, there's always the golf umbrella.
Brendan McAleer is a freelance writer and automotive enthusiast. If you have a suggestion for a column, or would be interested in having your car club featured, please contact him at mcaleeronwheels@gmail. com. Follow Brendan on Twitter: @brendan_ mcaleer.
