Dear Mars,
Season’s greetings! How are things going on your side of the solar system?
I am writing to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Can you believe it’s been more than 2,000 years since the first Christmas? And that means it’s already more than 6,000 years since we were both created. By God! Wow, time flies!
LOL, just kidding, old pal. I remember seeing you back at the big bang, like 14 billion years ago. Wasn’t that a blast! We were all so young and dumb back then. Didn’t you try to get into orbit with Venus, but then she ended up having a fling with that big gasbag, Jupiter? I feel for ya, buddy. I’ve always said, it’s not the size of the axis, it’s how you spin it.
Anyway, I hope you’re enjoying the early Christmas gift I sent you last month. NASA’s InSight lander has sent back some photos of you. I see you’re still going with the whole “windswept dusty red” thing. Cool, cool. People are digging it here – I saw you up on Instagram and you got nearly a million likes. That’s half a Kardashian!
I trust you’ll show the NASA lander a good time – I know how much you Martians like probes!
Just kidding, old friend. I try to laugh a lot these days, as it’s been a rather, well, eventful year for all of us here on me. China just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and young Canada is so cute these days! You should hear them talk! ‘How’s she goin’, eh? Sorry ’bout those pipelines.” What a hoot.
I know, I know, I talk like all those little critters crawling on me are my family. I know they’re not, but I can’t help but feel connected to them. These “humans” are fascinating. It was those little rascals who helped me send the probe your way. I thought they did a marvelous job of landing the InSight lander on you without blasting any holes in your face. You’re welcome!
They’re such an odd group, these humans. They can land a space probe on a planet five million kilometres away, but they can’t make a kale salad without giving everyone listeria. Earth to humans: you’re not supposed to eat kale! It’s gross.
My pride and joy for many years has been the one that calls itself the United States. They’re relatively new around here, but they’ve always had such poise and confidence and reasonably priced wine. I’m sad to say they’re going through a rough time these days though, putting children in cages and holding “mass shootings” just about every day. I think a lot of the trouble is this leader they’ve got. Lumpy, I think he’s called. I certainly feel the vibrations when he walks around, if you know what I mean. Luckily he’s mostly in a golf cart, or lying in bed yelling at his TV. I try to make it rain on him as much as possible.
My dear old Britain is having a bit of a tough time these days as well. They had an awful fight with their chums over in Europe. Well, I say “fight,” but Britain just basically made a mess in their own trousers and then went and stood in the corner for a while. It seems like now they’re maybe going to try to just slide back over and rejoin the gang, hoping that no one notices their soiled pantaloons.
And don’t get me started on Russia! Seriously, don’t. They’ve been pretty creepy lately. They’re probably reading this message right now – they’re liable to just go looking for my face hole and dump a bunch of poison down there.
They do keep me entertained though, these humans. It’s a shame they’re all going to be dead soon. They keep pumping pollution into my atmosphere and making me heat up a little bit more each year. Don’t worry – I’m going to be fine. I can handle a little heat. I’ve seen it all in my billions of years.
Those humans though, they’re in for some trouble. All the smart ones know that they are the ones causing the problem and that it is getting out of control, but lots of the most powerful ones, like Lumpy, pretend that nothing is wrong.
“We believe in both sides of the science,” they say. OK. Hope they enjoy the flood, flame and famine wars. I just hope I don’t have to soak up another nuclear bomb. I hate the way I look in a mushroom cloud.
I should get going. Time to brew up a big raincloud – Lumpy is talking about building a 2,000-mile wall across me again. That should solve all their problems!
Anyway, all the best this holiday season, and I wish you only good things in 2019.
Say hi to Uranus for me :)
Your friend and neighbour,
Earth
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at [email protected].
