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PARENTING TODAY: Show your kids what you’re grateful for this Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is on the horizon. For many it’s the transition weekend, the time we traditionally put summer to bed. Those with summer cottages are busy getting them ready for winter.
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Thanksgiving is on the horizon. For many it’s the transition weekend, the time we traditionally put summer to bed.

Those with summer cottages are busy getting them ready for winter. We are making sure our gardens are ready for the cold weather and putting away the summer clothing and replacing it with sweaters and wool suits.

No question, it’s a busy weekend.

It’s not just about the transition from summer to fall and a big feast. It is about being thankful. Or so we say.

The Valemont family is sitting around the dinner table. It’s been a marvellous Thanksgiving meal of turkey and all the trimmings. Sheila Valemont looks around the table. There’s 10-year-old Brody glowing with the health of an active child. Twelve-year-old Megan is starting to look very much like a teenager. Sheila can imagine her as an adult.

Where did the time go? She picks up her glass and raises it. “I want to make a toast to this family. I am so grateful to have us around this table, enjoying our meal. Let’s each of us talk about what we’re thankful for this year.”

“Oh Mom, you’ve got to be kidding,” was Brody’s immediate reply. “That’s so embarrassing!”

Added her daughter Megan: “Mom, that’s too sucky for words.”

 Roger, the Dad, wisely kept quiet.

We want our kids to recognize their good fortune of living in this country, with food on the table and good health. How do we do it?

Slowly, and we model it. If Sheila had said: “I want to make a toast to this family. I am so grateful to have us around this table enjoying this meal. I’m thankful that my family is here with me and they all have good health. I have work that I love, good friends who care about me and live in a place which is safe.”

Then she raises her glass with a hearty, “Cheers!”

After they take a drink she could ask the other family members if they had anything to say. If they say no, that’s fine. If she models this behaviour over time they will get comfortable with the concept.

Being thankful is about recognizing the good things that have happened to you and doing your bit for others by being a caring and giving person.

The problem is how to help them to be thankful for all their blessings without being seen as being unbelievably “sucky.” For some parents this is relatively simple, but for others, either because of their particular personality or the age of their kids (over nine), it’s a challenge. Of course, if you start this tradition when the kids are toddlers or preschoolers it will become a normal part of the holiday.

Kids learn by watching, so parents can be the role models. Take the lead, do it yourself without demanding that the kids reciprocate. Invite them to take a turn and accept it when they are not ready to participate. Express your thankfulness and gratitude but try not to be maudlin or overly effusive. Your kids are going to be more responsive if you are almost matter-of-fact about your gratitude.

Be specific and use examples. When your kids help you carry in the groceries or are quiet when you are on the phone – say thanks. But go one step further to let them know how their actions helped you.

“I really appreciate your help with the groceries, now I have a few extra minutes to relax before making dinner. Thank you.” Then be quiet. It’s easy to forget to say thank-you but it’s equally easy to find yourself being over-appreciative.

Notice when your kids are involved in any caring activities. Make a quick comment when they do something that is caring and considerate. Maybe, they helped their grandmother up the stairs or opened a door for a woman loaded down with groceries at the mall. Make a quick comment.

Volunteer in the community and have the kids see you do so. Involve them in your activities and talk about giving back. Once you get used to helping your children notice the good things in their life and also notice when they are being helpful it will become a typical way of behaving.

When kids have their every wish granted, it’s hard for them to understand being grateful. Practise saying no. They want a toy, video game or candy and want it now, but the answer is no. Saying no to every whim makes saying yes that much nicer and your child will learn to appreciate what he is given.

And be patient. It takes time for gratitude to develop. When kids learn to appreciate their good luck, to enjoy what they are given, to participate in the work needed to run the house, they will grow to be appreciative young men and women.

 

Kathy Lynn is the author of Vive la Différence, Who’s In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I’d Ever Have to Leave Home. If you want to read more, sign up for her informational newsletter at kathy@parentingtoday.ca