Dear Santa: this year I have been exceptionally good. Well, mostly. I mean there’s no video evidence to the contrary. That I’m aware of.
Any-hoo, as a person who most certainly deserves more than a lump of coal, I’m writing to put a few ideas out there for the elves to hammer together in the ol’ North Pole workshop. I’ve hung my suspiciously car-shaped stocking by the chimney with care and also forty-three deck screws, and I’ll be sure to be leaving out carrots for the reindeer and milk and cookies for you. Play your cards right and there’s a box of Girl Guide chocolate mints still in the freezer.
This holiday season I wish for. ...
Peace and Goodwill towards all
I mean, fat chance, but you gotta get that one out of the way so you don’t look like a complete greed-addled sociopath. May everyone be just that little bit nicer to each other in 2019, rediscover the joy of waving someone ahead, and remember that a quick blink of the four-way flashers is a great way to say “Thanks!”
Stop crashing on the Capilano bridge
Now, I’m not sure it’s entirely feasible to mobilize the elves to retrain the bulk of drivers using the Upper Levels Highway, but perhaps you could dispatch a crack team to put up a sign or something. With lights on it.
Our lives are all busy enough without hearing the once-every-two-weeks crackle on the AM radio that someone’s come down the hill at eleventy-eight billion kilometres per hour, stood on the brakes, cranked the wheel to the left, and driven backwards into the concrete divider, causing delays for everyone. It’s not magic, it’s physics, and it’s a reminder of the fairly low level of skill behind the wheel out there, and our tendency to over-trust driver aids like all-wheel drive and anti-lock brakes.
Ideally, I’d love this sign to be a giant cut-out of Red Foreman, the grumpy dad from That 70s Show, shouting “Slow down, dumbass!” but that’s not very polite. So, how about a scoreboard showing the number of crashes thus far in 2019? Perhaps a giant reminder that there’s a tricky bit coming up would persuade people to ease up on the accelerator.
Shoot Elon Musk’s phone into space
I enjoy Mr. Musk’s cars. They’re hardly perfect, but they are audacious, and that sort of thing deserves applause. Sure, the company has a hard time turning a profit, but it has at least changed the industry.
Also, when some inattentive Silicon Valley entreprentwerp backs a Model X into a wall, you can take the electric motor and the batteries and swap them into something like a Porsche 912 which makes for a really lovely blend of the old and new.
So, kudos to ol’ Musky for the vision ... but not so much for the tweeting. Or the interviews. If his team could just keep him in the lab, working on electric roadsters and semis and Tintin: Destination Moon levels of rocketry, then it’d be far better for him. The limelight does Elon no favours, what with 23.7 million followers watching him and his tendency to make off the cuff remarks.
In fact, for 2019 let’s all fire our phones into the sun. We’d all be happier.
More slow cars that are actually fun
The old adage goes, “it’s more fun to drive a slow car fast, than a fast car slow,” and it’s complete nonsense. Slow cars aren’t automatically fun – in fact, some of them can be utterly miserable.
What you want, ideally, is a car that isn’t too powerful for the street so you can stretch its legs a little without getting the book thrown at you by the local constabulary. I’m talking Mazda MX-5, Subaru BRZ/Toyota 86, Hyundai Elantra GT type of thing.
Currently, Ford is moving forward on its plans to eliminate cars from its lineup entirely, with the exception of the Mustang. I like the Mustang just fine, but it’s a big machine and the V-8 is a rocket straight into the flatbed-tow and big fine territory.
I wish we’d get stuff like the Fiesta ST back, with its grumbly little three-cylinder engine and willing chassis. More zippy hatchbacks and sub-200 horsepower sporty machines please.
Having said that, I’ll have a V-12 Valkyrie please
Less is more, be happy with what you have, eat your vegetables and don’t complain, you’re lucky to have your health and so on. However, since this is a wish list, could the elves nip over to Aston Martin HQ and pick me up one of their Valkyrie hypercars?
We live in an age where turbocharging and electrification are the future. Happily, Aston’s got a bit of old school brick-in-a-sock before it heads down the EV route, with a carbon-fibre, mid-engined masterpiece. The jewel of this machine is its twelve-cylinder heart, built by experts at Cosworth to produce 1,000 horsepower as it revs to 11,100 revs per minute.
I have to say, 11,100 r.p.m. is the sort of number the guitarist from Spinal Tap would come up with, but I’d love one all the same. Better send along a set of snow tires considering the weather.
Brendan McAleer is a freelance writer and automotive enthusiast. If you have a suggestion for a column, or would be interested in having your car club featured, please contact him by email at mcaleeronwheels@gmail.com. You can also follow Brendan on Twitter: @brendan_mcaleer.
