Kneeling at the communion rail with her ex-husband, Linda said to her priest, Ed: “Someday I would like to marry Lloyd again.”
As Linda had said this several times before in previous sessions – and Lloyd had said the same – Ed offered: “Why not now?” She replied, “Sure, why not?”
Everyone was thrilled that the communion unexpectedly concluded with a romantic marriage service. Linda and Lloyd (names have been changed) had been divorced for six years before remarrying that day. We will never forget that wedding celebration. Linda and Lloyd later took part in our Strengthening Marriage Workshop and discovered new ways to improve their relationship.
Ed fondly remembers the first year of his 40-year marriage. Janice was the love of his life and the joy of his heart. As mentioned in the romantic Song of Songs, she had stolen his heart with one glance of her eyes.
He was living his dream, working on his master’s degree with his wonderful wife by his side. Life couldn’t be better. Janice, however, found the first year of marriage painful. Everything had to be Ed’s way. So it was his way, but Janice wasn’t very happy about it. Being kind, she didn’t tell him this until years later.
Janice was working, and Ed was going to school. (They) were trying to save money to go to Europe and Israel before having children. So, even though (they) were supposed to be sharing the money, Janice felt resentful that Ed didn’t want her buying clothes or going out to restaurants. Because he was studying, they couldn’t have a TV and there had to be quiet in their one-room apartment. Ed was pretty rigid and dominant. Without realizing it, he was taking self from his wife.
Ed’s first degree was in social work. There is a joke that after the first year of social work studies, you will try out the counselling techniques that you have learned on your spouse, and after the summer break you will come back divorced and wanting to be a marriage counsellor. Ed thought it was a ridiculous joke – until people came back to the second year of social work and wanted to do that.
Ed naively decided to try out his new counselling techniques on Janice. Fortunately, Janice was very forgiving. She said, “Stop asking me questions.” When Ed started listening to her, it brought a shift in the new marriage. That was a lesson that when you are learning new skills, you often learn them awkwardly. It takes
time to integrate new insights. ■
This is an excerpt from Rev. Ed and Janice Hird’s new book For Better, For Worse: Discovering the keys to a lasting relationship, available on amazon.ca. Rev. Ed Hird has been the rector at St. Simon’s Church, 420 Seymour River Pl., since 1987. stsimonschurch.ca.
