DEAR Shaw Communications Inc.:
It's me again, the ultimate fan of the Shaw Fire Log, your magical channel that broadcasts a crackling wood fire all day long during the festive season.
I don't seem to be able to get through on the phone to your office any more. I enjoyed calling your receptionist, Lily, every day at nine, noon and five to discuss the show, and leaving messages on her voicemail around midnight. While she seemed a bit hysterical when I called her at home for the first time yesterday, I think she appreciates my questions and insights. Maybe she is stressed out by the season. I guess you know what my remedy for that would be: Yes, Lily, watch the Fire Log! It is mesmerizing and will cure whatever ails you.
It's the reason I got high definition TV, which has made a world of difference. Nevertheless, I like to go "old school" and watch the traditional version when my parents come over, since "high-def," as I call it, is too rich for their blood. They wind up getting alarmed, worrying that a spark from the fire on-screen will pop out and set the couch aflame. Old people! What can you do?
Let me tell you a little more about myself. I live in a condo and my attempts to build my own fireplace in the past have met with stiff opposition from my landlords. They are such Debby Downers with their "regulations" and "fire code." I used to get kicked out of my apartment every Christmas because of their uncaring prejudice against indoor bonfires. Then someone told me about the Shaw Fire Log!
Congratulations on the channel's 25th anniversary. I have to confide something to you, though. Not everybody likes the Fire Log. My cat is merely indifferent, but when I talk to my co-workers about it, as I do whenever I can, they are downright cruel. One of them called it "a waste of wood." Another said "It's just CGI - it's not even real wood. That's why it never completely burns to ash."
A real loser at my office called Tagg said that you ought to change it up, burn some tires or something. He keeps coming up with suggestions for me to pass along, since he knows we're in constant contact. The other day he said I should tell you to burn chicken feathers and add smell-o-vision to your cable offerings, but he is an idiot. You shouldn't change a thing.
The one woman I work with, Marguerite, says she's offended by the fact that the arm that comes in to stoke your perfect fire is male. She is some sort of feminist, and she makes a point of noticing things like that. She says it disturbs her because it implies that women are like a vacuum that sucks the life out of everything and men are like a life-giving furnace. I pointed out that furnaces can't stoke themselves. She said I was missing the point, that it was a metaphor. I got a bit hot under the collar at that because, as you know, I have a thing for The Man's Arm.
Don't worry, I would never act on my obsession with that beautiful, fearless wrist. I'm not some sort of freak. All I've ever said in my messages and letters and emails and on Facebook and Twitter, is that The Man's Arm for sure trumps Bradley Cooper and Ryan Gosling for both allure and staying power and should have been named Sexiest Man's (Arm) Alive by People magazine. I have pointed out that The Man's Arm is efficient, assertive, stylishly dressed in its immaculate sky-blue checked shirt and is everything a woman (and one in 10 men) could want in a man's arm. The way it emerges at exactly the right time and tends the fire, then withdraws and lets the wood do its thing, is nothing short of a miracle. A Shaw miracle!
I think you should make a feature-length film called Behind the Scenes at the Making of the Shaw Fire Log. The film should start off with just a cold, grey, empty fireplace.
How depressing! Then there should be a scene of somebody coming up with the idea, inspired by the original American Yule Log broadcast that started up in 1966. Next thing you know, this producer is auditioning people to play the arm - all kinds of people, one guy with a hook for a hand and even guys who don't have a real arm, just a stump, but a great, can-do attitude. Finally, he selects the right man for the job and he turns out to be the spitting image of Jon Hamm of Mad Men, who I'm pretty sure is your Man's Arm - you can't fool me!
The entire Fire Log broadcast could follow, for everybody to enjoy.
I would be happy to accept a percentage of the profits from this film to fund my cable bill. Happy holidays to you!
Mable E. Filcher
President for life,
Fire Log Fan Club