Like any conscientious father living on the edge of the wilderness here on Vancouver’s North Shore, I’ve recently been contemplating two important questions.
1. If I had to pick one, would I rather fight a cougar or a bear?
2. When valiantly saving my children from a bear or cougar, what would be my go-to move to score a TKO against the beast? Somehow I always picture myself doing a wall-jump roundhouse kick to the face like Milla Jovovich does to the inside-out Resident Evil zombie dogs. In my envisioned scenarios, however, it’s never quite clear what the wall is doing out there in the bushes.
To find real answers to these questions, I enlisted the help of a real expert: conservation officer Todd Hunter, a sergeant in charge of a small staff that is kept busy covering the area from North Vancouver all the way out to Mission, excluding Surrey and Langley. And yes, his name really is Hunter. What did you expect his name to be? Todd Stares-At-A-Computer-All-Day?
Sgt. Hunter started off our conversation with a lot of sensible words of advice, sadly none of which involved kicking a cougar in the face. I’ll summarize quickly, so we can get to the part where I’m heroically saving my children.
Sensible advice
1. Chances are, you’re probably never, ever, ever going to have to fight a bear or a cougar.
“People should know that it’s a very rare encounter,” Hunter said. “Very rare.”
Basically if at any point in your life you have crossed a street, cars are already way more likely to kill you than a wild animal. As stated above, Hunter’s service area doesn’t include Surrey because if it did he probably would have added gunfire to the list of things more likely to kill you than a wild animal.
That being said, we do live in an area with wildlife corridors running right through residential areas, so encounters are inevitable. Cougars are in the news right now because of a rash of recent sightings. Two have been shot on the North Shore so far this season and there are more out there chasing after this hot summer’s large stock of North Shore deer. And black bears are a well-known fixture in these parts. So. . . .
2. Be prepared.
Don’t go onto mountain trails alone. Don’t let dogs or children run off when you’re in the wilderness. Go on the Ministry of Environment or North Shore Black Bear Society websites and read up on animals you may encounter before you head into the wilderness.
“When you’re unprepared, that’s when stuff is going to happen,” said Hunter.
“Stuff,” eh? Now we’re getting to the exciting part. Tell me more.
3. If you come across a bear or cougar, stay calm.
“Like any animal, they react to you if you show any sense of fear,” Hunter said. “You want to remain calm. You want to back away.”
If there are small children around, pick them up. If the animal becomes interested in you it’s time to “try to display your dominance towards it,” said Hunter. “You want to have that cougar walk away because it sees you as a more formidable opponent. . . . Look bigger.
Back up slowly. Tell the animal it’s bad. Bad cougar! Bad bear! Go away!”
OK, that’s all sensible, and it’s good to know Sgt. Hunter has already figured out what a “formidable opponent” I would be in a fight with a bear. But what if none of it works? What if the animal actually attacks? It’s go time.
Fighting a cougar!
Sgt. Hunter started off with some fun facts about cougars.
“They’re designed by nature for one purpose — that purpose is to make a swift kill and consume their prey,” he said. “They primarily attack the back of your neck, your head, and your spine.” Hey sergeant, don’t sugar coat it like that — tell it to me straight.
My confidence was shrinking. Thankfully Hunter came ready with some fight tips, in the unlikely event I couldn’t get off my drop kick to the face. Most enlightening: if you end up on the ground — which Hunter seemed to think was a likely scenario — always keep your back on the ground with your hands and feet up.
Makes sense, considering the cougar’s aforementioned fondness for spinal cords and whatnot.
“You want to curl up like a ball on your back and you want to kick and punch,” said Hunter. “Try to protect your neck, tuck your chin towards your chest.”
Weapons — sticks, rocks, whatever you can grab quickly — are good too. But here comes Sgt. Hunter’s reality check: this is no gentleman’s boxing club at Cambridge. This is life and death.
“You want to fight as hard as you can,” he said. “It’s definitely something that’s very scary, but if you’re prepared, you know what to do. . . .You’re going to kick and scream, yell, punch and do whatever you can to protect your life.”
At this point I was thinking less about drop-kicks to the face and more about getting a clean pair of underwear. Anyway, let’s move on to bears.
Fighting a bear!
When I asked about fighting back against a bear Sgt. Hunter seemed to get a note of resignation in his voice as he said that bear rules of engagement aren’t quite as cut and dry as the cougar rules.
“It’s harder to say,” he said, adding that playing dead — usually associated more with surviving a grizzly attack — sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t.
“If you encounter a black bear they usually come at you and bluff charge. They’ll run up and stop just before you and then make noises, like huffing. They make noise when they’re really agitated. . . . Hopefully you back off. If you hear that, you should back off.”
Bear charges, back off. Gotcha. Just for comparison sake, what about a grizzly? Do they bluff charge? Nope.
“If they’re going to attack, they just do it.”
The weapon of choice that Hunter mentioned was an air horn.
Being big, loud and scaring the bear away is still the best option, and almost always works. In the extremely unlikely case that a bear is really intent on getting you, well . . . fight with all you’ve got and always try to get away. And good luck. Anyhoo. . .
The verdict
Hunter didn’t have an answer when I asked him which animal he would rather fight.
“I can’t say for sure. I think it’s a terrifying situation in all circumstances. You’re going to be terrified.”
For me the answer is cougar, given that extra little bit of unpredictable wackiness and power a bear can bring. Having listened carefully to Hunter’s whole spiel, however, I now wholeheartedly agreed with his assessment — I would be terrified. But I also took much solace in the message that these encounters are extremely rare and, if you’re prepared, there’s a great chance you can get away without it becoming physical.
Even so, Hunter ended with a good little pep talk.
“People have fended themselves off of grizzly bears,” he said. “You’re in a fight for your life — use something, anything, to get out of that situation. . . . You’ve got to protect yourself and those around you. A lot of people have done that. We’ve had those encounters where people rise to the occasion and they’ve made some really quick judgments that have helped them or their family around them.”
OK then — confidence restored. The reality is that this type of situation is not likely to occur, but if it does, I can do this. We can do this.
See you out on the trails. I’ll be there with bells on. And an air horn. And a big stick. And a change of underwear.
And . . .
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at [email protected].
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