Every year a celebration known as the Grammys is held to honour the world’s greatest singers, songwriters, composers and music-makers.
The best of the best, those who reach dizzying heights of musicianship, come together to be recognized for their extraordinary gifts. Sometimes Justin Bieber is there too.
The Grammys are named after my grandmother – we called her Grammy – whose early-onset Alzheimer’s and love of Irish pipe music perfectly exemplified the modernity and freshness of the Grammys.
The show’s biggest award is Album of the Year, a prize given only to masterpieces such as Steely Dan’s 2001 epic, Wait, Steely Dan is Still Alive?; Toto’s heartbreaking 1983 ode to intravenous fluid, titled Toto IV; and The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart, a 1961 comedy album performed by Björk.
The 2017 show was held last week and sadly there was controversy over which one-named songstress should take home the award. Even winner Adele thought the honour should go to finalist Beyoncé. And then there was Donald Trump, who went on Fox News following the show to complain that #FakeNews CNN wasn’t giving him credit for winning Album of the Year for his masterpiece, The White Album. Sad!
I hate to see people upset, particularly the president, so I thought we should solve this problem once and for all. I don’t have a dog in this fight – somehow the Tragically Hip and the St.Laurence O’Toole Pipe Band were both overlooked this year – so I’m in a good position to objectively evaluate these albums that I’ve never heard of. Let’s open it up to all the Album of the Year finalists, a group that included one fine Canadian export, and also Justin Bieber. Here we go, the best of the best:
Artist: Adele
Name of album: 25
Cover art: Adele’s soulful face
Artist description: Soul-bearing, powerful, cheeky British woman
Hit song: “Hello” (1.88 billion views on YouTube)
Exemplary lyric: “Hello.”
Motifs: Doing things slowly; sepia tones; saying hello; a 25-year-old dreaming about lost youth; hello; it’s me; did she just say hallo?; phones.
Overall message: Don’t make Adele sad or she’ll call you like 1,000 times.
Artist: Beyoncé
Name of album: Lemonade
Cover art: Ear, surrounded by cornrows and fur
Artist description: Soul-bearing, powerful, fierce American woman
Hit song: “Hold Up” (77.3 million views on YouTube)
Exemplary lyric: “I got hot sauce in my bag.”
Motifs: underwater horror film; walking; baseball; joyful vandalism; fire hydrant abuse.
Overall message: Don’t make Beyoncé mad or she’ll smash your face in.
Artist: Drake
Name of album: Views
Cover art: Drake sitting on top of the CN Tower
Artist description: Soul-bearing, introspective, nerdily smooth Canadian man
Hit song: “Hotline Bling” (1.14 billion views)
Exemplary lyric: “You used to call me on my cellphone/late night when you need my love.”
Motifs: Slow dancing; Drake in a box; booty; turtleneck?!
Overall message: Please call Drake, or he’ll be forced to continue silly dancing.
Artist: Justin Bieber
Name of album: Purpose
Cover art: Bowing Bieber, fingers tented
Artist description: Nice, then bad, then maybe nice again Canadian stick figure/heart emoji.
Hit song: “Sorry” (2.26 billion views)
Exemplary lyric: “You know I try but I don’t do too well with apologies/I hope I don’t run out of time, could someone call a referee?”
Motifs: girls dancing; more girls dancing; soft singing; no images of Bieber!; girls doing astrophysics; just kidding – girls dancing.
Overall message: “Is it too late to say I’m sorry?” Nah bro, as long as I don’t have to listen to any more singing.
Artist: Sturgill Simpson
Name of album: A Sailor’s Guide to Earth
Cover art: A ship on stormy seas. Perhaps containing Sturgill Simpson? Perhaps it is the Sturgill Simpson?
Artist description: Man/band/boat named Sturgill Simpson
Hit song: “Brace For Impact (Live a Little)” (1.21 million views)
Exemplary lyric: “So go and live a little/Bone turns brittle/And skin withers before your eyes.”
Motifs: creepy aging alien; singing man (Sturgill Simpson, maybe?); death; old man driving hot-rod coffin; flying death boat.
Overall message: You don’t know who I am, but I have a message for you: You are going to die.
That’s the list. And after checking them all out I have to say that it’s a talented bunch. And also Bieber. I’d even have to say that Sturgill Simpson can craft a pretty cool tune. For a boat, at least.
They’re all so different though, which underscores the absurdity of taking a bunch of finely crafted works of art – and Bieber – and deciding which is the “best.”
To settle this, I’ll slide it onto the most important, impartial scale on Earth: how embarrassed I would feel if one of my co-workers glanced over my shoulder and saw me checking out this artist.
Adele is a 7 out of 10, Drake a 3, and Bieber a gazillion. Sturgill Simpson might actually be our janitor. Beyoncé, though … she’s a 2. That’s pretty good. Plus when I woke up the day after listening to all these songs, Beyoncé was the one still playing in my mind. Plus pregnant ladies rule. Plus please don’t hit me with a bat, Beyoncé – you’ve got my vote.
Congrats Queen B. I know this isn’t the same as winning an actual Album of the Year Grammy, but you’ll probably get one of those someday too. One suggestion, maybe – try the Irish pipes.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. aprest@nsnews.com
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