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PREST: Like a multi-modal crossing over troubled water

What do you think of this big multi-modal Burrard Inlet crossing initiative that everyone is talking about? You know the one, right? The transportation study about something that could cross Burrard Inlet and solve all of our traffic problems? It’s g

What do you think of this big multi-modal Burrard Inlet crossing initiative that everyone is talking about?

You know the one, right? The transportation study about something that could cross Burrard Inlet and solve all of our traffic problems? It’s going to be so multi, and so modal, and maybe come with a funny horn that plays “La Cucaracha.”

What, you haven’t heard of it? It’s clearly stated right there on page 27 of the 2018-2022 Draft Financial Plan Workbook for one of our North Shore municipalities (to protect the innocent I won’t reveal exactly which municipality – let’s just say it could be any one of the North Vancouvers).

OK, of course you haven’t heard about the multi-modal magic machine study mentioned on page 27, because no sensible person would spend their time slogging their way through the dense sludge that is a draft financial plan workbook trying to dredge up shovel-ready diamonds. No sensible person except for our intrepid reporter Brent Richter, who actually read through that workbook – he’s paid to do it, he’s not a complete psychopath – and unearthed that little nugget about a potential Burrard Inlet crossing initiative. As inquisitive as he is intrepid, he cut straight to the heart of the matter with this follow-up question: what the hell is that?

A Burrard crossing? This could be kind of a big deal considering the traffic crisis on the North Shore these days. Every third column or article appearing in our paper is related to traffic. If there’s no traffic news, we force it. (Dear Abby, I’ve recently started an affair with the man stuck next to me on Lions Gate Bridge ...)

The North Shore’s evening rush hour is so volatile, dense, and angry that it’s just a few votes away from becoming the U.S. president. So you could understand why people would perk up at any mention of a plan that might help get us out of this jam. But what type of plan was this?

That’s what Richter asked when he presented his findings to the masses on Twitter. And the responses he got from his followers were good. Very good.

Pedal boats? Jetpacks? Ziplines? A submarine that transforms into a bus? The flying train from Back to the Future Part III. Great Scott! Those are some funny followers.

My mind wasn’t so fanciful: I envisioned some sort of simple catapult system involving retired navy seals and a bottle of 90-proof whiskey.

The truth turned out to be far less dramatic than all that. Mr. Intrepid, who unlike me actually calls people and digs to get real answers rather than scanning Facebook all day for videos of dads catching falling babies, discovered that the multi-modal crossing initiative potentially being studied was some sort of future bridge that could in theory hold both a freight train and a rapid transit line. Maybe. In the future. Fire up the DeLorean.

Why didn’t they just say that in the first place? That’s another good question, and in fact there are unconfirmed reports that the little Twitter storm that Richter started turned into a teaching moment for the communications staff at the municipality, who took the opportunity to remind their report writers that simple, straightforward language is preferred over complex, highfalutin dazzle words.

To be fair, it wasn’t the most egregious bit of bureaucratese we’ve seen in the newsroom. Not by a mile. Academics, cops, politicians – there are several walks of life where it seems as if the goal of any public communication is to make it as hard as possible to figure out what the communication is actually about.

That’s how “road tolls” become “mobility pricing.” It’s how “speed bumps” become “vertical deflectors” (seriously – read the agenda from this week’s District of West Vancouver council meeting). It’s how “attended the scene” replaces “we went there.” It’s how “accrue the necessary capital” replaces “get some money.” It’s how “positive patient-care outcome” replaces “the guy didn’t die.”

As reporters, we’re trained to simplify as much as possible, to make complex things understandable. The reader I have in mind when I write is at about a Grade 8 level, although it’s also helpful to have seen every Monty Python sketch at least twice. Beer helps too.

What gets me is when writers do the opposite; take something that is simple and make it as complex as possible. Its language used as a weapon, a dense and dull machete meant to chop down all who do not possess the vainglorious vocabulary needed to understand it.

If that’s the game you currently play, it’d be great if you could knock it off. If you still want to make your living hiding all the important bits from the public, then watch out – my municipal buddies and I are working on our multi-modal crossing, and pretty soon we’ll need a test pilot. Better start learning the words to “La Cucaracha.”

Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. He can be reached via email at aprest@nsnews.com. What are your thoughts? Send us a letter via email by clicking here or post a comment below.