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PREST: Hiking for Dummies must be a bestseller

My family spent this past Victoria Day weekend getting back to nature to see some of the North Shore’s most incredible sights. It was a weekend full of wonders, although one in particular was the gobsmackingest of all.
Prest

My family spent this past Victoria Day weekend getting back to nature to see some of the North Shore’s most incredible sights. It was a weekend full of wonders, although one in particular was the gobsmackingest of all.

There was the secret beach – highlighted by photographer Cindy Goodman in a great feature in this very newspaper last week – where my boys and I played in the golden sand and taunted the sea lions. “Bite me, sea lion! No wait, it’s just an expression!”

It was beautiful, but it wasn’t the one thing.

There was the not-so-secret beach, where my boys and I played in the rocky sand and taunted the cruise ship that stalled just off of Dundarave Pier just a few minutes after leaving port. “Just because you’re driving on the North Shore doesn’t mean you have to wait two hours at every bridge! Bite me, boat!”

It was majestic, but not the one thing. It was, in fact, a weekend full of wonderful stuff, the kind of gorgeous May Long I could only dream of while growing up on the Prairies, where temperatures in the month of May are strangely broken down into two categories: weekday average high of +15°C and  weekend average high of -400°C.   

But it wasn’t the secret beach or the enchanted forest that was the most noteworthy thing of the weekend. The one that stood out was Lynn Canyon Park. Not, however, the cool suspension bridge.

My family had wandered across the bridge mid-morning, intent on a spirited day of hiking in the park dubbed in online promotional material as “Lynn Valley’s Best Kept Secret.” Things got dicey right around noon when a small, hungry bear appeared at my side. He growled at me for several minutes, and then made his intentions fully known by mewing “Daddddyyy, I’m starviiiiing.” Then he ate my hand. Where did he learn that it was OK to bite?

That was when we headed back across the bridge and were greeted by the wildest sight I saw all weekend: a lineup of people stretching up the trail, around a corner and off into the distance.

People were jostling, kids were whining, punks were budding. Directly behind that line was an even longer lineup of cars stretching out of the park and down the street.

Drivers were honking, fights were breaking out in the parking lot – it was like Lord of the Flies except with more selfie sticks and fewer rules.

It took me a while to process it all. People were lining up. For a hike.

Someone must have blabbed Lynn Valley’s best-kept secret. My guess is it was Donald Trump: “It’s the best secret. A very, very tremendous secret. I don’t know anything about Lynn Valley, but I know it’s the best. Believe me. Maybe they’ve got those spirit bears. You know why I love them so much? Because they’re white!”   

It was after seeing that lineup that I finally clued in to a terrifying danger that I’m sure most North Shore natives learned of at a very young age: peak hours.

There are some spots that you just can’t go to during summer weekends and expect to have an enjoyable, relaxing time sharing the majestic splendour with other relaxed, enjoyable citizens. Because many, many citizens are dolts. Particularly when there’s a lineup involved. Don’t believe me? Watch what happens when they announce pre-boarding for any commercial flight.

I’d love to know what other North Shore nature retreats should be avoided during peak dolt hours. I’ve seen a few times the Quarry Rock trail turn from a beautiful, brisk walk into a soul-crushing dolt march. Actually all of Deep Cove seems like a no-fly zone on busy summer days.

And of course the Grouse Grind seems like a pretty awful place to spend a hot Saturday afternoon. Are there other dolt-heavy spots I should be avoiding? And where do you like to go to get away from the rat race of all the other people getting away from the rat race? Feel free to send me a note or reply in the comments online – we can all share in a plan to keep our lives dolt free.

There must be hundreds of other places around here that aren’t at peak dolt yet. With all that room to explore, I’ve learned, there’s no need to go to the few places where people can’t see the forest for the trees.   

aprest@nsnews.com

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