During the hellish Vancouver winter of 2017, my two young sons and I spent a day in the pool at the beautiful West Vancouver Aquatic Centre to escape the icy death of the -4 C weather.
That’s -6 with the wind chill, by the way … nearly unlivable.
Our trip to the indoor oasis included a rather strange sight: a grown man who insisted on riding the water slide with all of the children, over and over and over again. Everyone else riding the slide looked to be 13 years of age or younger, but this one dad just kept racing up the stairs after his kids, standing in line soaking wet like a doofus, and then whizzing down at top speed to try and make the biggest splash at the bottom.
Not once did another adult take a slide during the hour he spent riding the plastic dragon. The sight of that man amongst boys got me thinking about parenting styles, fatherhood, and being a #cooldad. Let’s break it down multiple-choice style to see what style of dadding works best.
Scenario 1: The water slide
As in the example above, your kids – who in other circumstances can’t gather the energy to put a plate in the dishwasher – are about to embark on approximately 14 straight hours of stair-climbing and line-standing to earn a total of approximately 47 seconds of slide time. What do you do, Dad?
Dad 1: You stake out a prime spot in the hot tub where you can keep one eye on the children and the other on the yoga class next door. Upward facing dog, sideways glancing man.
Dad 2: You dutifully wait at the bottom of the slide, waving at the little gaffers in line and then fishing them out of the splash pool before they drown. Don’t forget your prescription swim goggles!
Dad 3: You’re on a golf course – which you own, by the way, really fabulous – and you step away from the tee box on No. 10 to leave the kids a phone message. “Hello children. It’s me. Your father. Sorry I couldn’t make it. Have fun doing your water sports. …” After the round, you grab them each a souvenir golf ball from the pro shop. Kids love golf balls, right?
Dad 4: Ignoring the inevitable crippling pain your old-man legs will feel tomorrow, you race up the stairs behind your kids and hit the slides. One down, 80 more to go. Wheeee!
Scenario 2: The toboggan hill
Your family has donned every single piece of clothing in the house to brave the frigid -3 West Coast winter and hit the hills for a rare bit of Vancouver sledding. Dad, what do you do?
Dad 1: You get a jump start on the après-sled with a thermos full of coffee and Baileys – hold the coffee.
Dad 2: You’ve got goldfish crackers in your pocket and you aren’t afraid to share them. “Need a push, little buddy? Off you go!”
Dad 3: You’re burnt out from hanging with your celebrity friends at the big 3 Doors Down concert, but you still find time to send a text to your kids. “Sorry, couldn’t make it. Sounds like the conditions are just how we like them – all white! Enjoy.”
Dad 4: You race up the hill, so excited to hit the slopes that you zip down your first run on your butt. Three hours later, you’re still toboggan surfing, ice burns be damned.
Scenario 3: The rainy soccer game
It’s January, and the frigid rain is washing the last bit of joy out of the famed all-year soccer schedule you used to be so envious of before you moved to Vancouver. But the kids don’t care – they just want to play. What do you do, Dad?
Dad 1: You’re comfy in your SUV, Game of Thrones playing on the entertainment system while your kid battles it out with his team. Oh crap, he’s coming over – crack the window a bit: “Wet out there, buddy?”
Dad 2: Your golf umbrella is fully deployed, and the hot chocolate and Timbits are all set for postgame. “Good job, good effort!”
Dad 3: You’re on an international business trip, but you take a moment to Facebook your support: “My son is the best at soccer. The best! All those little losers can’t stop him, a little rain can’t stop him. It’s really wet over here in Russia too. Some people say soccer is for European losers, but I’m still happy for my son. Way to go boy, you’re just like me – a whiz!”
Dad 4: You’re the coach, your feet are soaked, your children are soaked, your pylons are soaked, your balls are soaked. Who cares? Play on!
Now that we’ve established the types, it’s time to sort it all out.
Dad 1: Hey, you made it out. Maybe next time try getting your hands dirty a little bit too.
Dad 2: Great job making everything work for the kids. You’re a hero, and I don’t care what anybody says about your lazy eye.
Dad 3: Well, at least you checked in. Maybe you can even bring the kids along on the next luxurious holiday. And good luck with the impeachment!
Dad 4: Way to get in there! Make sure you don’t trample any kids in your gusto.
The final answer is that it’s all good, dads, as long as you never hit your kids and love them unconditionally. Whatever gets you and your kids through the day in one happy piece is OK, just like that crazy man on the waterslide in West Vancouver. I actually found out who he is. He writes a column for the local newspaper. Laugh All You Want it’s called. A real whack job. Mostly harmless though – just don’t come between him and his slide.
Andy Prest is the sports editor for the North Shore News and writes a biweekly humour/lifestyle column. aprest@nsnews.com
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