I am really loving the Stephen Harper government right now.
Not because of their politics or anything like that. Heavens no. I'm loving them because they've finally brought some humour to the usually staid political ring.
Recently they heeded the cry coming from zeroes and zeroes of Canadians begging for electoral reform and took it upon themselves to craft a bill to change the way that Canada holds federal elections.
The biggest challenge by far in the Canadian electoral scene is the lack of voter turnout at the polls. So, naturally, the new bill will make it harder to vote, particularly for young people and marginalized folks who don't have access to identification such as a driver's licence. It also aims to end the Elections Canada practice of conducting outreach campaigns to encourage people to vote.
Funny, right? It gets better.
Other doozies in the bill include taking power away from our elections watchdog to investigate potential wrongdoing on the part of political parties; a giant loophole that will allow parties to raise and spend more money on elections; and a stupefying provision that will allow the winner of each riding to hand-pick the people who will hold key positions in administering the polling stations in that riding during the next election. Hilarious.
The Harper government has crafted this without much input from people who are tasked with running elections in Canada or political scientists and other experts whose job it is to examine and learn about how elections should be run.
In fact, 19 renowned researchers from around the world wrote an open letter denouncing the bill, arguing that it would "prove to (be) deeply damaging for electoral integrity within Canada, as well as providing an example which, if emulated elsewhere, may potentially harm international standards of electoral rights."
Canada's own chief electoral officer, a man named Marc Mayrand who was appointed by the Conservatives, was not involved in the crafting of the bill.
When Mayrand voiced concerns about its contents, he was verbally attacked by Tory Democratic Reform Minister Pierre Poilievre who claimed that Mayrand's recommended changes to the bill "really boil down to three broad requirements for him.. .. He wants more power, a bigger budget and less accountability."
This is all the warm-up act though. Now we're getting to the comedy gold. The name that the Conservatives have given the bill is... the Fair Elections Act.
Wow. So brilliant. Who's writing this stuff, Jay Leno? Actually, that would make a lot of sense.
To honour the comedy stylings of our governing party, I've decided to try my own hand at policy making and see if I can decipher what bizarro bills those wacky guys are going to introduce next. Here's what I've come up with so far.
The Marijuana Legalization Act: Finally recognizing that the prohibition of marijuana is a futile battle that only serves to put police and the public in danger while making gangsters rich, the government moves to legalize it. The newly appointed "Minister of Do You, Like, Party, Man?" will in fact grow all of the marijuana himself, eschewing expert opinion on how to get it "extra sticky-icky-icky."
One interesting wrinkle here: when passed, the act will stipulate that marijuana will be legal on any day of the week that doesn't end in the letter Y.
The Glass Ceiling Reform Act: Tired of hearing about the pay discrepancies and obstacles faced by their daughters and granddaughters, a small group of the government's oldest, pastiest male MPs get together to craft a bill that will "make life better for all the good-looking broads out there."
The bill will include niceties such as a tax credit so that women can buy glue guns and glitter to decorate the glass ceiling once they bump into it. There will also be monthly stipends so that ladies can "maybe fix themselves up for a change."
The Free Puppies for Kids Act: Every kid under 12 in Canada gets a free puppy, courtesy of our government. This will, in fact, be mandatory, and will include a small delivery fee for each puppy of $4,000. Also, the puppy is dead.
The No More Monarchy Act: Canada will sever all ties with the British Monarchy, finally doing away with those outdated figureheads. We will have no king or queen, unless there is someone truly, truly special who comes along that, in the expert opinion of all Conservative MPs, would make a remarkable King of Canada. The strictest criteria would be set for this position, including provisions that any future king must love hockey and go by the noble name of Stephen.
These suggested acts are only guesses, of course. For now we can only wait with bated breath while government leaders consult thoroughly and deeply with a few guys down the hall from them to decide what is important for all of Canada.
