Ever since Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by sticking his kite into a light socket, humans have been thirsting after more and more power for their electronic lamps, phonographs and Wi-Fi vacuum cleaners.
We quickly learned that power plants can easily be fueled by digging into the ground and setting fire to whatever solid, liquid or gas popped out. We’ve since discovered, however, that these “fossil fuels” all have problems.
The extraction of coal can lead to serious health problems for miners, and its usage as a fuel source can lead to toxic gas emissions from the mouth of Donald Trump.
There are all kinds of dangerous global politics surrounding the extraction and export of petroleum products, and they’re really hard to get out of seals.
Even natural gas, proposed as a cleaner and gentler fossil fuel, is getting a bad rap these days. No one knows exactly what the extraction process known as “fracking” is, but it’s obviously bad because it sounds a lot like “fricking,” a word that lily-livered, prudish folks use as a cuss: “You may not agree with all of his policies, but there’s no denying that Donald Trump is a fracking idiot.” That kind of thing.
Even renewable energy sources have their drawbacks. Wind power sucks when it doesn’t blow. Hydroelectric dams can devastate local ecosystems, and erode the public’s trust in the plausibility of action movie stunts.
Solar power is good, but when it’s nighttime, you can stick your toaster where the sun don’t shine. And remember that eclipse we just had? We could have another one at any time – there’s no way to predict those. (Chill out, Dr. Science, I know you can predict eclipses – that’s why I totally prepared for this eclipse by working in the same office as someone who remembered to buy eclipse glasses.)
The only energy source that’s free from any kind of stigma is nuclear power. Right. Nuclear power!? Three thumbs up!
But recently I’ve discovered a totally renewable energy source that could power the entire Earth for all of eternity. I call it the Bouncy Castle. To be honest, everyone calls it the bouncy castle. But I’m the one who came up with the idea of using it to save the world.
I came upon this solution during Fun City Festival in North Vancouver a few weeks back. I walked with my sons, age four and six, the 10 blocks from our house to the giant slip and slide on Lonsdale Avenue. Note that any time you take young kids for a walk or hike or whatever, you will inevitably have to deal with some initial whining. It starts almost immediately and peaks after about five minutes. Then the endorphins kick in and they can walk all day, even hike the whole Grouse Grind if you point them in the right direction. (Seriously – my kids did that.
My wife took them. I don’t get it – I think I might be adopted.)
Anyway, if things get really whiny, the best way to get them going is to separate your trek into a series of races. Most kids, you see, are both incredibly competitive and dumb. Mine would run around the entire Earth if it was broken up into 400-million mini races against each other.
“Oh, you’re tired? Well … first one to Copenhagen gets a pickled herring! Go!!”
So anyway, the bouncy castle. We walked up and down steep old Lonsdale for another couple of hours and as we neared suppertime I could tell that the boys were almost completely drained.
But then it appeared – rubber Valhalla. The boys were instantly powered up enough to line up over and over again for the pleasure of five minutes of non-stop jumping in the bouncy castle.
As the event wound down, other kids stopped lining up to get in and so the bouncy bouncer just let my guys stay in there for what felt like an hour. They didn’t stop moving for an instant. They finally were yanked out, dazed and sweaty, after a lineup reformed at the door. As soon as they were out, they immediately got back in line. It was then I realized what a powerful tool the bouncy castle is.
So here’s how we power the world: we put a bouncy castle into every elementary school and work out a way to turn the constant motion of the children into electrical energy. It shouldn’t be that hard to whip up a simple system of turbines, magnets, coils and magic. Someone get Ben Franklin on the phone.
Every hour or so a different grade could come down for bouncy castle class. Boom – instant energy all day. All it would take to keep it running would be an air pump easily powered by the bouncing boys and girls, and maybe a few Popsicles.
No more coal, no more oil. You know what they say: a man’s home is his castle. Let’s update that: A kid’s castle heats my home.
After all, children are the future.
