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PEDAL PUSHERS: A handy guide to road rage

Question: I have read about road rage, but feel I have not perfected my technique. I was hoping you could give me some pointers on how to rage "right" here on the North Shore. Answer: We understand.
Road rage
The Pedal Pushers want to make sure you are up-to-date on all the latest road rage innovations, including the fist shake and middle finger. Whatever you do though, resist the urge to ride a bike around the traffic jams.

Question: I have read about road rage, but feel I have not perfected my technique. I was hoping you could give me some pointers on how to rage "right" here on the North Shore.

Answer: We understand. You want to fit in with the 79 per cent of Canadian drivers who, according to a survey by kanetix.ca, admit to road rage-like behaviours. You will be happy to learn that the key to developing proper road rage is a simple four-step process.

1: Look for the right conditions

For proper road rage you need to be delayed and prevented from driving faster than the speed limit for at least three minutes. Construction zones are excellent breeding grounds. Almost as good are areas around schools during peak drop off and pick up times. But, the ultimate is when one of the bridges closes. Seek out days when you will run into all three.

2: You need someone to rage against

Typical choices include:

-Flag people: How dare they hold up a stop sign and let the other people go first, don't they realize how important you are?

-People on bikes: Just because the law says they are entitled to the road doesn't mean I have to share, does it? Besides who can take people in coloured spandex seriously? Oh, and bikes are for kids only, right?

-Pedestrians: Common sense says they are fair game if they are not in a crosswalk or if they are listening to music on a handheld.

-Other cars: Lane darters, people with nicer cars (unless they are attractive) and anyone in front of you is fair game for a little fist waving and finger raising.

-Motorcycles: Berate motorcyclists on Japanese and European bikes. Only a fool would antagonize the Harley crowd. Wait a second, we here at Pedal Pushers say go right ahead and make them your first target!

3: Now that you know what to look for, let us provide some real-life examples

Moms with short-legged kids, dawdling along in crosswalks when you want to turn right definitely deserve rage. One of us Pedal Pushers was walking five children to school when a driver — oblivious to a left turning car moving toward the crosswalk — waved for them cross. Instead, the troop waited for the other car, crossing when it was safe. As they crossed, the driver inched her way towards them and made the motion of putting a gun to her head, pulling the trigger as she sped past. An awesome road rage performance. Two thumbs up.

Another way to deal properly with sluggish pedestrians is to cut them off. Squeal your tires a bit if you can. For those of you riding bicycles on the sidewalk, slip past strollers close enough that they can touch you and then say excuse me after you are two bike lengths past. You'll know you have done it right when a kid drops their doll, an elderly person starts, a dog becomes entangled in your spokes and someone else on the sidewalk yells unkind things at you.

For drivers, here is how to deal with bikes ahead of you that cannot accelerate as fast from a signal and make you wait a second or two. Honking is encouraged and if you miss the light as a result, when you do catch up to them, a rude gesture out the window is mandatory. Swearing, while encouraged, is optional.

4: How do you let the rest of the world know you have awesome road rage skills?

Simple! On top of any dents write "One less bike" or "One less Yugo" or "One less student" or whatever else fits your rage profile. No dents? For you proud crosswalk marauders, keep a running tally of hits and near misses. Scorecard kits are available on the shopping channel - works for bikes, cars, motorcycles and buses.

We at Pedal Pushers trust that you now know all you need to become an accomplished road rager. We look forward to seeing you all rage during the Capilano water main replacement starting this August. Just think, there will be detours, new signals, reduced speeds and flag people — the perfect conditions.

If you are co-operative, polite, plan a bit, leave early, chill with a nice coffee, or smile at the traffic sign person you will undo all we have tried to teach you. Who knows — you might even hop on your bike and get some good endorphins going. We certainly would not want that.

The Pedal Pushers are Dan Campbell, Antje Wahl, Anita Leonhard and Heather Drugge, North Shore residents who use their bikes for transportation. northshore.pedalpushers@gmail.com