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Dads on the North Shore forge bonds

One evening a few months ago a group of men met up in a North Vancouver cafe to discuss, ironically, perhaps, given the heavy presence of coffee, their challenges when it came to sleeping.
Dads

One evening a few months ago a group of men met up in a North Vancouver cafe to discuss, ironically, perhaps, given the heavy presence of coffee, their challenges when it came to sleeping.

But for the nine individuals that showed up for this meeting the theme of sleep didn’t relate to their own struggles catching a good night’s rest -- though one might not have blamed them if that’s where the conversation had turned.

They talked about getting their kids to sleep.

Some dads were fathers to younger children -- seven, eight, nine years old -- while others had kids that were approaching teenage years; the vast majority were new dads, with kids under the age of two, who were just learning and experiencing the difficulties of being a parent -- and trying to overcome their kids’ propensity for being awake at all hours -- for the first time.

“Each meeting has a theme,” says Wes McVey, a North Vancouver resident who started the group back in October.

“The last one was ‘Sleep’ and the one before that was ‘Being Active with your Kids on the North Shore.’”

The group is called Dads on the North Shore and, according to McVey, its purpose is to give North and West Vancouver dads the opportunity to connect with one another and share their experiences as fathers, whether they are new dads or old ones, working dads or stay-at-home parents.

“Traditionally, fathers weren’t thought to be the main caregivers but that’s changing. The number of dads who are stay-at-home dads and playing active, direct roles in raising the kids are growing exponentially,” he says.

While McVey says the group is open to fathers of all stripes -- he encourages it, in fact -- his comments on stay-at-home dads perhaps nicely showcase his current situation: he’s a new dad himself to an 11-month-old son named Wallace.

“After he was born I recognized that there wasn’t a lot of programs, a lot of support for fathers, that I was really excited to take part in,” he says.

He set out to change that.

McVey recently completed his master’s degree in child and youth care from the University of Victoria.

His MA focus was on building supports for fathers so they can become active and engaged in the parenting process, something McVey says is important for the entire family.

“I think getting away from the old stereotypes that men are simply the breadwinners, go to work, and the best they can do for their kids is send a cheque home ... and instead, connect it to a ton of research that says dads need to do more,” he says.

McVey thought it would be best to include other dads in the decision making process, so he created a survey for them to fill out where they were asked what they would like to get out of a group specifically designed to cater to dads.

It was decided that twice a month Dads on the North Shore would meet up. Once a month is a dads-only meeting, where often they’ll connect in order to discuss a predetermined topic relating to fatherhood, such as sleep issues.

Another meeting might be more social in nature, such as throwing a hockey playoff pool fundraiser.

North Shore resident Michael Dorsey has been participating in the group from the beginning.

He says since the birth of his two-year-old daughter he has wanted to engage with other dads, especially since, like McVey, he is a stay-at-home dad as well.

“I was looking for a way to connect with other dads, especially locally, just to be able to share experiences and share tips and recommendations,” Dorsey says. “And learn from one another.”

Dorsey notes that moms have been traditionally more engaged when it comes to parenting and networking with each other. “Certainly the moms are much more engaged,” he says.

“Men like to do things on their own and don’t feel like they need to have help and if they want to network they’d rather do it for career-type things rather than parenting. But I also think it’s one of those things where you don’t think about it when you don’t see a lot of opportunities out there.”

McVey consulted with North Shore Community Resources, who have helped the group connect with funding sources for their meetings. The second batch of meetings every month is a group session that includes both dads and their kids.

One month they might do a hike; the next, a dad and baby yoga session at a venue on Lonsdale.

McVey talks about the concept of feminist fatherhood, which is the idea of trying to breakdown societal stereotypes about being a parent and giving more options to women and, ultimately, the family as a whole.

“Childcare skills are learned, they’re not something moms are given innately,” McVey says. “They are things that men can learn and be great at and it helps the family. I think they are an untapped resource for the community and I think a program like ours helps tap into that resource.”

McVey stresses, however, that the group’s primary goal is connecting dads together on the North Shore, not necessarily sharing fatherhood tips with one another.

“As much as there’s a diversity of experience ... a lot of those troubles you’re going through I think are probably pretty common ones and it helps to actually connect with other people going through troubles and hearing from them.”

Next month the group is hosting a dads-only course on CPR for children and infants.

Those interested in connecting with other North Shore dads are encouraged to visit dadsonthenorthshore.org.