I'VE never got into the practice of making New Year's resolutions, but after a few days surrounded by my friends and family this holiday season I've come to better appreciate a few things that are important to me.
The time spent with friends and loved ones has prompted me to make a few changes in my life. I'm not sure if I'm getting the concept of the resolution quite right but, as far as I can tell, I'm supposed to make changes that will help me become a better, happier person.
So here it goes, my first crack at resolutions. After each one I'll give the odds that I'll be able to carry it through. Here's to a new me in 2013!
Resolution 1: Drink more beer.
With a young toddler son at home and a wife pregnant with boy No. 2, 2012 saw a drastic reduction in my beer intake. That all changed when Christmas party season rolled around. I'd say my beer intake tripled from November to December but even that isn't getting it right - three times zero is still zero.
The last few weeks have been great - I'd almost forgotten how much I love the wild little pleasures of life, like tasting a fresh new golden ale, yelling along with songs and dropping things.
"Hark now hear, the angels sing/a new beer poured today. And I will drink forever more/because of Christmas ale."
Chances of this resolution sticking: low.
They can't drink alcohol and one isn't even born yet but I know those rascally kids of mine are going to get their hands on my beer money somehow this year. Plus, kids have this annoying little habit of requiring you to be steady handed for things like throwing around a football, changing diapers or driving home from the hospital. A full beer-naissance might have to wait a few more years.
Resolution 2: Swear more. Nothing brings out the f-bombs, the OMGs and the HMOSMGFSBs like talking about your fantasy football losses (if you're wondering, that's Holy Mother of Sweet Merciful Giant Flipping Suck Balls. And yes, flipping is just a placeholder). It was during a festive discussion of stupid Eli Manning and his fantasy football playoff bed-wetting last week that I rediscovered how much fun it is to drop a few naughty words into casual conversation. Of course, beer was also involved.
Chances of this resolution sticking: very fricking low.
Again, won't somebody please think of the children? I'm already on high imitation alert with my two-year-old and sadly that's not about to change. Whatever I say, he says. Every parent likely knows the horror of having a toddler run the house singing "DA-mitt, DA-mitt, DA-mitt" like it's a Christmas carol. Even innocuous words can be scary -a few days ago my son said the word "bit" about 20 times in a row.
Only it didn't exactly sound like "bit." It was more like a Russian version of bit.
All parents know the feeling of trying not to laugh when their young child says something offensive yet hilarious. As much as it goes against my own laissez-faire attitude, I can't start swearing more and then have my toddler son calling his favourite teddy bear a bunghole. I don't even think fake swearing is going cut it - no one wants to be the dad on playground with the only kid running around yelling "codswallop."
Resolution 3: Do fewer chores.
I know she's been busy being a mom and creating life and blah blah, but my wife really milks the whole pregnancy thing. It was bad enough when she was pregnant with baby No. 1 and hormones suddenly made her averse to dish soap. Then hormones made her averse to moving more than two feet away from the couch. Then hormones made her averse to even cleaning her own puke bucket.
Now with pregnancy No. 2 there's a toddler to contend with. The latest thing that those wacky hormones have taken away from her is her tolerance of - you're not going to believe this - the smell of poop. That means I'm on permanent diaper duty whenever I'm in nose range. This arrangement stinks and I want out.
Chances of this resolution sticking: Super stinking low.
Who am I kidding - even when my wife couldn't walk two steps without having her barf button pushed by our unborn baby she still did 90 per cent of the work around here. Heck, my toddler already does almost as much as me now. He'll get out the dustpan and brush and sweep the front hall just for fun. He sure didn't get that gene from me - I may have to get a DNA check on our mailman to see if his double helix is unusually clean.
Well, there they are - some sensible resolutions that are, alas, doomed to fail. My final resolution should be to never try to make resolutions again - it's harder than I expected. I guess, sadly, I may not be a drunker, lazier, swearier person in 2013.
But somehow I still feel like it's going to be a fantastic year - and I hope it is for you and your family too.